I get asked all the time why N and I have chosen not to get legally married. You'd think in the almost 7 years that we have been together, I would have learned to have a prepared answer. The one or two sentence explanation about our decision, how it works for us, and we're just as committed (often times more than our "married" friends) to our relationship.
For me, marriage is two-fold. First is the committment one makes, with wedding vows of for richer, for poorer, in sickness, in health. The committment to stay together through it all. To choose this one person for the rest of your life. The second is the legality of marriage. I often call this the Institution of Marriage. The legal rights you gain when you legally marry. Yes, for some of you, I may have simplified the issue. But that's how I see it - the personal committment you make and the legal aspect of the marriage are separate.
A long, long time ago, N and I made the personal committment to one another that we would be life mates, domestic partners, spouses, significant others, whatever PC word exists for it. We chose to have a committed relationship in sickness and in health, in unemployment and graduate school, in facing different cultures and religions, just as many of you did in your ceremonies. We are committed to one another. And for that reason, N and I often refer to each other as husband and wife. Not because we want to "pretend" to be married. But because we are. And well, frankly, there is no "other" label that fits.
I'll admit that there was a time where I wanted to get legally married. I thought that was what I was supposed to want. You hear of every girl dreaming of having the princess wedding. I didn't. I actually remember telling my best friend in Jr. High that I was going to be a single mom. Since N and I aren't married, some people view me as a single mom (my father actually told me to say this when I was negotiating for a raise at work once!). In the months that I was pregnant, I felt like I was somehow, umm, less of a mother, less of a woman for not being married. That I should be ashamed of my choices. Every day (I am not exaggerating), we were asked what our plans were, when were we getting married. I even had one friend refer me to her family lawyer so that I knew "my rights." It was simply unbelievable. And while they have all gotten used to the idea that the legal marriage ain't gonna happen, I will always remember their reaction. Their lack of confidence in our relationship.
In this country where more "marriages" fail than succeed, I still do not understand how people find comfort in being legally married. I just don't get it. I don't need N's money. I don't need a paper that says we are married. We live everyday married. I wouldn't feel any more secure in our relationship with a legal paper. Security doesn't come with the legality of marriage, it comes with the committment. Knowing that N is my rock, my shoulder, my lover.
Now if I could just learn how to say that in a single sentence.
Originally posted at the Silicon Valley Moms Blog.
