One of our good friend-couples just had their first baby. Baby Cai is a treat! He's teeny tiny at only 5 1/2 lbs, but he's a keeper. Seeing "Nay" with Cai brings back so many emotions from the entrance of Darius into our lives. Nay is struggling with breastfeeding. Struggling with the lack of sleep. Struggling with sanity. I remember all of that. I remember it all like it was yesterday.
No matter how many times I heard that breastfeeding was totally natural, it never felt like that to me. Let me suck on your nipple till they are cracked and bleeding and you tell me how natural that is. I stuck with it because I was committed to it. It wasn't easy - especially in the beginning. And crying everytime your baby latches on because of the pain - well La Leche League can go fuck themselves for telling me that it's because he isn't latched right. Uh, no. He's latched alright. The kid can get suck so hard that I can feel it in my eyeballs.
So when Nay starting crying last night because Cai is up every 30 minutes at night, I started crying with her. It reminded me of all of that pain, stress, fear, confusion, exhaustion that I felt for the first three weeks. I couldn't celebrate having a baby - I was too overwhelmed and too tired to revel in the first moments of being a mom. I so want Nay's experience to be better than that. But other than offering some assvice and a meal, I'm not sure how I can change it for her.
I think that one of the hardest things about having a child today is that the modern Western world has forgotten that it takes a village. Women are left to figure it out for themselves and then we inevitably get criticized when we don't do it right. We live in a time where people really stick to themselves. All of Nay's neighbors saw her pregnant and they all see her now with a teeny newborn. And not a single one has said Congratulations, or brought over a meal, or even offered any assistance. I don't know if they don't want to step on her toes, are just totally rude, or if this is simply what is to be expected nowadays. All I know for sure is that I think it is crap.
After Nay (and I) calmed down, we talked over some strategies. Mainly for her to rest when the baby is resting, start asking for more help, and to make an appt with a lacation consultant. I also plan on going there two nights a week until she tells me to get up off her grill. I'll make dinner, change her sheets, mop her floors, whatever it takes.
Nay may not have a village. I certainly can't make a village for her. But I can certainly extend a helping hand in these early weeks where Nay transitions from her former child-free life into the realm of motherhood. I know that I can't do it all, but I think a home-cooked meal and fresh sheets can make the world of difference to a new mom.
I know it did for me.
