Today I am taking part in the Silicon Valley Mom's Blog book club. Writing Motherhood is a guide for all mothers to journal their journey of motherhood - the good, the bad and the ugly. This post is about "the ugly." The time in which there is a bad mothering moment.
When Darius was just a few weeks old, I made a trip to our local Target to pick up some more baby stuff. I was a worn out new momma. Darius was still getting up every 2.5 hours like clockwork. I felt like I was sleeping all time and yet not sleeping at all. Breastfeeding was hard, but living with a newborn baby was harder.
I felt like I had lost my mind. Always being proud of my sharp mind, I now felt like I couldn't remember the simplest of details. It felt like I was re-learning everything. How to eat while holding a baby, how to take a shower without feeling the guilt of leaving my baby in the crib, how to cook a meal without having to stop twice to nurse. Looking back four years later, those early memories are foggy.
The haze I was in during those early weeks has remained hazy. Except for one moment. My first bad mothering moment.
I was in Target picking up a portable crib that was on sale. I was planning on spending the weekend at my mother's house and decided that she should have her own portable crib. With one on sale for just $25, the trip to Target was totally justified.
Still a new mom, my timing was still off. I would later learn when it was safe to leave the house based on when I had last nursed or when my baby had last slept. But I was still used to only being responsible for me. When I had an urge to do something, I was accustomed to just getting up and going. Having a baby whose needs came before my own was still a new learning experience and the lesson wasn't coming easily. Without thinking about when he had last nursed or when I had last changed him, I loaded up into the car and headed out.
Everything was fine until we were at the check-out. Darius needed to nurse. Still uncomfortable with nursing in public, I unstrapped him from his infant carrier and tried to bounce him around until we made it to the car and home. As I paid for our purchases, my mom called on my cell phone to find out if I had picked up the crib or if she needed to head to her Target (why oh why I didn't have her pick it up in the first place had never even occurred to me).
I placed Darius back in his infant seat and proceeded to chat with my mom. She was my rock during those first few months. We talked on the phone numerous times each day. She always had great advice, words of encouragement, and unconditional support. As I walked out to the car to load the new crib, I placed D's seat into the base and drove home.
It wasn't until we got home that I realized I hadn't strapped Darius back into the infant seat. He lay on top of his 5-point harness for the ride home.
I felt terrible. Beyond terrible. I felt like I should just voluntarily give my child to CPS. I couldn't even remember to strap my own kid into his car seat? What kind of mother does that? I felt lucky that nothing had happened to my newborn baby on that ride home. My mom assured me that all moms make mistakes. Moms are just as human as the rest of the world - we are imperfect. We all have bad moments.
I don't know why, but I felt comfort in knowing that this was the first of many bad mothering moments.
