Yesterday, sometime between the third session and the closing keynote speaker at BlogHer, I called home. It was a tear-filled event. Darius had been missing me awful and I felt exactly the same way about him. My heart hurt.
My heart has been hurting for a couple of weeks. First it was the last-minute business trip to San Francisco for a week, then it was working out of the East Bay for another, but the straw that broke my heart was finding out I would be away again starting on Monday. It's not like I'm traveling across the country. Which, right now, I think would be so much easier than driving to far places in the Bay Area -- where it's close enough to come home every night but far enough away that I miss all the happenings at home.
On a side note, I just typed "Fart palaces" instead of far places - guess that shows my true feelings about commuting to the East Bay.
Honestly, my most guilty moments as a working mom are about whether or not I am spending enough time with my son. I'm sure in that way I am pretty typical with other working moms. It isn't enough for me to see my son for just an hour every day. I've always pushed hard for flexible scheduling and working from home so that I can be with my son more.
After talking to Darius, it just didn't feel right to stay at the conference one more minute. It wasn't so much about mommy guilt. It was about doing what's right for me. And my family. While I was having a great time hanging out with fabulous women, listening to awesome speakers, and swimming in my swag, it didn't feel right to be there any longer.
It felt like the air at BlogHer was quickly leaving and the only way I would be able to breathe again would be to get my ass home as quickly as possible. I couldn't hold my breath for another day. I had to get out of there fast.
I packed my bags, texted my roommate that I was heading home early, and went to what can only be described as the weirdest closing keynote (more on that later). When the conference was officially over, I was ready to get home.
I got out of San Francisco so fast. I usually get lost so easily driving up and down one way streets, but this time there was kung-fu momma magic that navigated me to the freeway without a single wrong turn. I was home before Neville and Darius had finished dinner.
My heart was whole again.
When Darius was born, I didn't think my love for him could get any bigger than it already was. I thought that new-mother love was as good as it gets. Boy, I was so wrong. My love for my child seems to grow each day. A rational thinker, I thought my heart only had so much room for love. But my son has shown me that my heart will continue to grow to hold the love. That there is infinite capacity for love inside each and every one of us. Even me.
And that listening to your heart is a fine way to go about living your life.
Home never felt so good.
