Who's The Boss?

No More Steak Dinners

Anyone else watch, in total fear and disgust, the stock market crash yesterday?  I haven't checked any financial news this morning - I can't handle any more bad news right now.

I don't have a lot of money invested in the stock market.  Sure, my 401K is filled with stocks - none of which are financial stocks.  Since I don't plan on retiring for, oh, another 30+ years, I'm feeling comfortable that my retirement isn't going to be squandered by this economic situation.  Yet I worry about my mother who is already on retirement.  She is physically disabled and cannot simply go back to work.  She doesn't have 30 years to wait this out. 

We've been lucky to have the ability to pay of our credit cards every month, not be required to clip coupons to feed our family, and have a 30-yr fixed mortgage that won't change interest rates.  But I still worry.  I worry about if Neville and I could be facing lay-offs as the high-tech industry will eventually be affected by yesterday's news.  I worry that we haven't saved enough.

I pulled out some steaks last night for dinner.  While Neville was rushing through eating to finish a project in the garage, I told him to slow down.  "This is your last steak dinner for a while." Until I know that we are going to be OK, spending in this house is frozen.

Standing up for Working Mothers, Including Sarah Palin

Last Saturday night, I attended a family function with my very conservative, very Republican extended family.  I often make jokes about how I love them despite this fatal character flaw.  And they often make a similar joke about me.  The truth is, we simply don’t agree on nearly every aspect of politics and on many other issues.  We probably won’t ever agree.  Since they can’t change my mind and I can’t change theirs, politics rarely comes up.

When the election came up during a conversation on the economy, I kept my mouth shut.  I know my family will vote for McCain-Palin.  My family knows I will vote for Obama-Biden.  I’m glad that I live in a Blue State where I worry a little less about my family’s vote.  I kept myself out of the conversation until the only other Liberal in my family made a comment about whether or not Sarah Palin can handle the job with her young family.  I couldn’t stay silent any longer.

Can we stop judging Palin for being a working mother?  Really, the fact that she has children, even young children, has nothing to do with anything.  I know that she herself has brought up her working-mother status in numerous speeches.  I think that being a working mother is nothing to be ashamed of.  I’m glad that she has brought to the surface the juggle that all working parents face each and every day.

Yes, I can relate to Sarah Palin.  We are both working mothers.  She works in the old-boys club of Government.  I work in the old-boys club of Corporate America. 
I am glad that a woman is still in this race.  For the first time (historians, please correct me if I am wrong), we have a woman running for an executive office who still has babies and toddlers underfoot.  Being a working mom, I think that is exciting and validating.

I have fought against maternal profiling in the workplace.  I’ve heard story after story of women being passed up on promotions, on high-profile accounts, on assignments that require travel just because they are mothers.  I’ve seen women be perceived as being a slacker or singletons refer to us as “breeders” in the workplace.  I’ve been asked to “talk to my husband” before I book my travel arrangements and grilled on my child-care arrangements.  I’ve had people assume that I don’t want to go to the office party that is after-hours because I’d rather be with my family. 

I am sick of people questioning whether or not she can do the job with a special needs child.  I am sick of people assuming she won’t have any time for her children if she makes it into the White House.

Let Sarah Palin decide what is right for her family.  And let the people of America decide what is best for America.  I obviously won’t be voting for Palin.  My decision is based on the issues and candidate’s the platform.  It has nothing to do with her status as a working mother. 

Original Post for the Silicon Valley Mom's Blog

Photo credit: Official Website of Governor Sarah Palin

(Sort of) Standing Up for Sarah Palin

I'm over at Silicon Valley Mom's Blog today.

All this talk about whether or not Sarah Palin can be an effective leader while mothering small children has really rocked me to the core.

"Can we stop judging Palin for being a working mother?  Really, the fact that she has children, even young children, has nothing to do with anything.  I know that she herself has brought up her working-mother status in numerous speeches.  I think that being a working mother is nothing to be ashamed of.  I’m glad that she has brought to the surface the juggle that all working parents face each and every day."

Before the feminists try to take away my shiny degree and ban me from the club, I want to make it clear that I am not supporting McCain-Palin.  However, I am shocked and appalled that women who have fought so hard against sexism in the workplace have turned around to question whether Palin can handle the job as a working mom.  Do I smell hypocrisy?

I fully expect a long list of commentors who do not agree.  So come on over and add your two cents.

Falling in Love... Again

The last two weeks have been rather euphoric.  Neville and I both have realized how much we really love each other and just how very close we were to losing everything we have built together.  We been holding hands more.  We kiss each other good-bye in the morning.  It sounds petty, I know.  But I am coming to realize that life is just as much about the little things as it is about the big ones. Something as little as a touch on the cheek or sitting next to each other on the couch or a smiling at one another from across the room.  Those are the things that I took for granted.  Things that I didn't think were important.  Things that I didn't really notice until it just stopped for a long time.

It's a wonderful feeling to fall in love with the person you already love the most. 

Thinking about Working from Home?

I've started a short series over at Work It Mom about how to make the pitch to your manager about working from home. 

Last week we discussed whether or not working from home is right for you.

"You may have thought of your office as distracting with water cooler conversations, idle hallway chit-chat, and that one person who always manages to burn the popcorn in the breakroom microwave.  But just wait until you are at home with a whole new set of distractions."

This week we are discussing how to prepare the pitch to your manager. 

"When I decided that I wanted to work from home at least one day a week, I did not prepare a pitch.  I barged into my manager’s office one day and simply blurted out that I was going to work from home every Friday.  While my manager did agree that having an established day in which I was home was acceptable, I would not recommend this approach.   My tactic was unprofessional and while it did work to get me what I wanted, it most likely won’t work for you. "

Come on over and check it out.  If you don't work from home but want the option, you may learn a new strategy.  If you already work from home, come on over and give your sage advice.

The First Day of Work as a Working Mom

I am participating in another workshop of Writing Motherhood.  I am a day late (and probably more than a dollar short), but I just didn't feel like writing yesterday.  So I didn't.  Not much of an excuse, I know. 

First Words and Other Firsts: Open any baby diary and you will find whole pages devoted to firsts: first smile, first words, first friends, first birthday. Why are firsts so significant? Keeping in mind that first experiences do not end with babyhood, write about a first: the first day of kindergarten, the first day of college, the first grandchild. Or simply begin with the writing start “the first time” and write down the first thing that comes to mind.

The most significant first in my life has to be the day we came home from the hospital with Darius. Just 30 hours before my baby was still in my belly.  And now he was a real live baby.  My real live baby.  I still remember laying him down in his bassinet to take my first shower as a mother.  He looked so teeny and so helpless.  I knew that the day in which I would return to work was just around the corner.  But work seemed like an impossibility when leaving my baby for a 15 minute shower was guilt-inducing. 

I did return to work when Darius was twelve weeks old.  Staying home was simply not an option.  I was still a newbie Project Manager and didn't earn what my new Professional Certifications were worth.  I had just bought a townhouse the year prior and didn't have much of a savings to cover the mortgage for more than a couple of months.  Being a working mother would be my reality.

Armed with my super fancy $300 Pump In Style and my laptop bag, I walked back into the office for the first time in nearly four months.  It was surreal to be back in the office.  The feeling reminded me of the first day of elementary school; excitement mixed with trepidation.  I was nervous.  I was ready to get back to work.  I was scared to see how many emails were in my work inbox. 

I remember sitting back in my desk with papers strewn about.  My boss had already warned me that an intern was using my space while I was away.  I guess she forgot to clean-up before my first day.  I picked up the papers into a nice stack and placed it in the back corner of my desk; out of sight and out of mind.  I fired up my laptop and had to think for a moment about my password. 

I got lost in email for a couple of hours.  I trashed every email that was more than a two weeks old.  I figured that the person covering for me had handled it all.  And if he hadn't, well now that people knew I was back I would just get another email from them about the still open issue.  I scheduled a meeting with the person to have a proper handoff.  I needed to know what was still open, how things went, was I returning to total chaos? 

I remember the frantic call from my finance manager about my replacement being in rehab for a coke addiction and only have three days to close the books for month end.  I remember the endless interruptions from co-workers checking in and asking about my darling baby.  I remember the first lunch back to work with one of my dearest friends.  I remember forgetting to pump in the afternoon and feeling like I was going to gush breastmilk like a fire hose during a management meeting at 4:00pm.  I remember getting a blister from wearing heels for the first time in seven months.

But most of all, I remember picking up my sweet little baby at 5:30.  I remember the look on his face when he noticed that I had arrived.  I'll always remember the way he smiled at me and coo'ed.  I'll always remember his sweet smell and kissing him and squeezing him.  I remember putting him to my breast for the first time in nine hours and feeling sweet relief and true bonding. 

I remember feeling grateful that we had both survived the first day back to work. I was officially a working mother.

Things I Love...

This Land's End tote bag.  It's cute, it's durable, and has hidden pockets.  the medium sized one has become my go-to pool bag this summer.  I could use a dozen more in all the different sizes and never get sick of it.

The Cho Show.  Many, many moons before I was a mother I watched a Margaret Cho video with one of my BFFs.  We actually had to stop the DVD more than once because we were laughing so hard we missed more funny parts.  And no, it wasn't the Mary-Jane talking either.  The Cho is funny.  Like pee in your pants funny.  I'm not sure I have the bladder control for a full length Cho DVD now, so I'll settle for the 30-minute Cho Show. Maybe I'll practice those Kegel exercises while I watch.

The Nut Tree Family Park.  We stopped over on our way home from Sacramento and fell in love with this little park.  It's perfect for the 9 and under crowd.  The train ride, mini-roller coaster, and bumper cars kept my son and my 8 yr old niece occupied for hours.  The best part?  The kids passed out from exhaustion for the 2-hr ride home.  With it's affordable price, this will become THE place we stop everytime we visit our Sacramento family.

Dad's House Mojitos.  Okay, for the record I'm not much of a Mojito gal. I'm not a fan of swallowing big chunks of mint.  But when Smiling Mom decided to try out the recipe at a recent play date, I was open.  Now she did have to add an extra splash of club soda to make the drink a little less strong (we were watching kids after all), but the drink was refreshing, tart, and yummy.  I think I'm a converted mojito-lover. 

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree

Artist: Darius, Age 4

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Artist: Mom, Age 30

My new theme song

Well open up your mind and see like me

Open up your plans and damn you're free

Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love

Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing

We're just one big family

And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

Finding the Silver Lining

So when I wrote my little post last week about not having my shit together, I wasn't expecting to get a flood of support.  I wasn't excepting offers of playdates, coffee talks, and dinners.  I wasn't expecting my friends, new and old, come to my aid without judgement, without needing to know "the scoop," without strings attached. 

And yet as soon as I hit the publish button on that little post, my world changed.  For one, I was no longer lying about the situation.  I found out that I'm not as good of a liar as I thought I was anyways.  Most of you figured it out.  My "marriage" is in trouble.  Last week we were dangerously flirting with total nuclear meltdown.  I was making plans to separate.

Thanks in major part to my friends who lent a supportive ear, gave advice up the ying yang, and just let me cry.  A lot.  This week, I'm not on the ledge.  Neville and I are going to get professional help for our issues.  And we have re-committed ourselves to working through this.  Together.  We still have all of the problems that we had last week. Except for one.  This week, we are listening to one another.  We are trying to make this all work. We held hands last night for the first time in months. 

I can't ever write about the real problems that Neville and I are facing.  Although, after talking to nearly all of my married friends, I have figured out that what we are facing is what many couples face at some point during their marriage.  We are no different.  I also found out that many couple contemplate divorce or separation.  Why did nobody ever tell me that before?  Perhaps because I never asked.  Perhaps because when the rest of you were having marital problems, I simply shook my head and said "Oh no, not us."  Perhaps because I was never so honest as I am now. 

Last week, I felt the weight of my world on my shoulders.  This week, I am looking only at the silver lining.  We came close to losing everything that we have created over the last nine years.  This week I am grateful that we've held on. 

Considerate Commuting

Cross-Posted from the Silicon Valley Mom's Blog...

Bay Area Commuters, can we chat for a minute?  I’ve noticed that since the majority of you have returned from summer vacation you’ve forgotten a thing or two about commuting on the worst freeways in California.  I’m not holding it against you that you weren’t around with me this summer.  In fact, summer is my favorite time of the school year.  Less cars, less traffic, less time to commute to work.  But now that we are all back to school, let’s review how to be a considerate commuter.

The Art of Merging
On-coming Commuters, you cannot expect to merge when you are going 25 miles an hour on a freeway with a 65mph speed limit.  Get up to speed as quick as you can.  You scare the sh*t out of us drivers already on the road. And while we are at it, don’t be trying to cut all the way to the front of the lane by driving on the side of the road.  It is unsafe, illegal, and annoying.

Drivers on the Road, please give those who are merging onto the freeway a little room.  Really, it is not a race.  You don’t have to snub the competition.  Give yourself some good karma and let another car in.  But you don’t have to let every single car in.  If you let five cars in a row in front of you, you will actually get bad karma from all the drivers who haven’t moved behind you. 

The Carpool Lane
Drivers of the Carpool Lane, last time I checked you were still bound by the same speed limit laws.  So slow down a little.  I know the excitement you feel when getting to pass all those suckers other drivers who don’t have a carpool buddy.  But riding on my a$$ when I am going the speed limit is excessive. With power comes responsibility, so take a chill pill and don’t let the power of the carpool lane get to you. 

Keep it Clean
Real people with real feelings are driving behind the wheel. These people are mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers. Yes, you may think that they are all royal idiots but really you don't have to scream, curse, give the birdie or embody the a$$hole you are calling the other driver. Take a deep breath, listen to the smooth jazz station, put some aromatherapy bath salts in your car.

And if you truly can't stop from being the terror on the freeway... take the train.

Original Post for the Silicon Valley Mom's Blog.

When life gives you lemons...

The past few of weeks have been hell for me.  H to the E to the double L... HELL.  Something is happening in my personal life that has put me in a psuedo-depression.  I say psuedo because I am not depressed but when something overwhelming happens in my life, I have to shut down a little to process it all.  I'm not depressed, but I certainly am not living life to the fullest.  It's my coping mechanism.  May not be the most healthy, but it works for me.

I've spent more time on my couch in a complete state of couch-potato-ness.  I've been lucky that my professional life has been stable.  It makes it a whole lot easier to be a vegetable when work isn't knocking on your door every minute. 

I can't talk in details about what is so overwhelming.  Remember those little blog boundaries I am trying to create?  Well, if I spilled the beans about this situation then I would be breaking my first boundary: never write about a situation that could destroy real-life relationships.  I have confided in two of my closest friends and they are helping me through this incredibly tough time. 

But I've lied to so many of you when you've asked how I am doing and I've looked you clear in the face and said with a smile "Great."  It's not easy for me to admit my failures.  It's not easy for me to talk about the hard stuff. The stuff that makes you cry.  The stuff that makes you feel less than perfect, less than normal, less than period.

I am on the crux of a major decision.  A major moment.  A life-altering moment.  Where I stand I can see both decisions play out.  And either way, there are winners and losers.  Either way there is hope and heartache. Either way there is pain and relief.  I don't know what to do. 

I've been praying - not something I'm really all that comfortable with.  I've been praying for guidance, for strength, for forgiveness, for love.  I've been praying for answers.  Answers that I know lie within my own heart.  I'm very afraid of the answer.  I'm very afraid that if I dig deep and figure this all out that it won't have the outcome I desire.  I'm afraid that the outcome I desire isn't really what I want.  It's a mess. I am a mess. 

I know that life is messy.  I know that I can't continue to be a couch potato for very much longer. But today, I plan on crawling up on the couch, watching awful soap operas, and thinking about what happens when life give you lemons.

And you know that making lemonade isn't the answer. 

Moving Day

Typically the last part of every acquisition integration is the real estate consolidation.  That's fancy corporate talk for "moving day."  Our old buildings have been put up for sale and the remaining hundred of us at headquarters moved to the building of the parent company.  The building is only a few miles down the road from our old building but it feels totally different.

For one, I can no longer call myself an employee of the acquired company.  The signage everywhere shouts the parent company.  My badge is new.  My desk is new.  My phone number is new. 

And yet I still have an 8-year old monitor on my workstation.  Nice.  Glad to see that flat screens are still only for the elite.  First thing I did today was open a PO for a $119.00 monitor.  I'm think I'm worth it.

Second, the old building had only about a dozen folks on my floor still working.  Half of the floor was previously filled with finance folks - people who almost always get laid off during an acquisition.  Our old building was eerily quiet.  Today in the new building, I came to find that there are a few hundred people on just this floor.  While I love being around the hustle and bustle with real live energy, it also feels like a major distraction.  I cannot stay focused today.  Everytime a door opens or a person walks by, I lose my train of thought. 

Maybe my pretty new monitor will keep me on task.  Otherwise, I'll be breaking out the ear plugs. 

Now if I can only figure out where the bathrooms are then I'll be all set.

90s Comeback

First, The New Kids on the Block make a comeback.

Then 90210 returns.

And Katie Holmes starts the old fashion trend of pegging your pants.

What's next?  Hammer pants?  MTV playing videos? Grunge?

What do Mom's talk about on a Mom's Night Out?

Our kids, of course!

Tonight I had a very last minute MNO with Lia, Michelle, and Nanette.  Lia pulled it all together in less than a day and we all eagerly showed up.  After the week I've had, it was so very very very nice to get away from my family. 

We met up in Downtown Campbell and found this little South-Bay city to be rocking.  Apparently the first Friday of every month is THE day to go out if you live in Campbell.  Who knew?

I only felt a little weird being out.  On a Friday Night.  In a bar.  Talking extensively about my kid.  Seriously, I complain all week about not having any time to myself.  And then when I get two hours to spend as I please, what do I do?  Spend it talking about everything but me. 

From here on out, I am starting a new MNO drinking game.  Whenever a mom mentions her kids in a bar, she has to take a shot.  This game could be more dangerous than Quarters. 

I'm buying the first round.  You in?

Forewarned

Darius: Mom, can you do this? [rolls eyes]

Me: Yes.  I can roll my eyes.

Darius:  No you can't.  Let me teach you.  First you look left then you look up then look left [looking right].

Me: I see.  That's called 'rolling your eyes.'

Darius:  How did you know that?

Me: I perfected the look when I was fifteen.

Darius: I can't wait until I am fifteen.  I will roll my eyes a HUNDRED times EVERY day.

Me: Yeah, I can't wait for that either. [rolls eyes]

My Feminist Perspective on Sarah Palin

I heard about McCain's choice for the VP slot on the ticket on the way to pediatrician with Darius.  My gut reaction was slightly positive but apprehensive.  When the newscaster on the radio says "You've probably never heard of Sarah Palin" you've got to be a little concerned that McCain picked her for all the wrong reasons.

To me, the nomination felt like a desperate move on McCain’s part.  The party had lost older, white women voters who changed to Democrats in order to vote for Hillary in the primary.  McCain’s long standing moderate Republican record doesn’t sit well with Religious Right.  So why not pick a woman with staunch conservative values?  Seems to me like he’s trying to kill two birds with one stone. 

I’m not so sure that women will once again cross party lines to vote Palin into office.  If they moved over to vote for Hillary, then they must understand that Palin stands for everything that Hillary is against.  And while I want a woman in the White House just as much as any other woman, I want the person to be fully qualified.  I’m not sure that Palin was the right candidate - regardless of her gender.  If she was a man, I’m pretty certain that this Republican ticket would guarantee a win for Obama/Biden.

Personally, I still believe that Hillary Clinton was the right person to be President.  I’m still not 100% sold on Obama.  A part of me still wishes that it was an Obama/Clinton ticket.  However, it would certainly take a lot for me to forgive McCain for his sexist views on women and equal pay before I could ever circle his name on the ballot.  Am I undecided?  No.  I’ll vote for Obama.  It won’t matter much in my blue state - Obama will win no matter what here in California.  But I want to believe in Obama.  I want to see real change in this country. 

I’m not going attack Palin for her stance on abstinence-only sex education or her views on abortion or gun-control or creationism.  In order to be Republican, she practically has to have those views - especially if she is so highly revered in the conservative right.  I’m not going to question her mothering abilities to a pregnant teen-aged daughter.  I’m not going to go there.  Honestly, I wish that every pregnant teenager would have a loving supportive family to cushion the fall.

Instead of looking at Palin as a beauty queen turned working mother turned Vice Presidential nominee, I urge all Republicans and Undecided’s to look at Palin’s public service record.  She may be able to talk like a feminist, but is she one? 
What has she done for the advancement of women?  Women supported Hillary not just because she was a woman but because she was a champion on women’s issues. If you look closely, you will surely find Sarah Palin is NOT advocate for women.

McCain's choice of Sarah Palin as his running mate is a last-ditch effort to appeal to disappointed Hillary voters and get them to vote for another woman.  Ultimately, a vote for Palin is a vote against a woman’s own self-interest.