The past few of weeks have been hell for me. H to the E to the double L... HELL. Something is happening in my personal life that has put me in a psuedo-depression. I say psuedo because I am not depressed but when something overwhelming happens in my life, I have to shut down a little to process it all. I'm not depressed, but I certainly am not living life to the fullest. It's my coping mechanism. May not be the most healthy, but it works for me.
I've spent more time on my couch in a complete state of couch-potato-ness. I've been lucky that my professional life has been stable. It makes it a whole lot easier to be a vegetable when work isn't knocking on your door every minute.
I can't talk in details about what is so overwhelming. Remember those little blog boundaries I am trying to create? Well, if I spilled the beans about this situation then I would be breaking my first boundary: never write about a situation that could destroy real-life relationships. I have confided in two of my closest friends and they are helping me through this incredibly tough time.
But I've lied to so many of you when you've asked how I am doing and I've looked you clear in the face and said with a smile "Great." It's not easy for me to admit my failures. It's not easy for me to talk about the hard stuff. The stuff that makes you cry. The stuff that makes you feel less than perfect, less than normal, less than period.
I am on the crux of a major decision. A major moment. A life-altering moment. Where I stand I can see both decisions play out. And either way, there are winners and losers. Either way there is hope and heartache. Either way there is pain and relief. I don't know what to do.
I've been praying - not something I'm really all that comfortable with. I've been praying for guidance, for strength, for forgiveness, for love. I've been praying for answers. Answers that I know lie within my own heart. I'm very afraid of the answer. I'm very afraid that if I dig deep and figure this all out that it won't have the outcome I desire. I'm afraid that the outcome I desire isn't really what I want. It's a mess. I am a mess.
I know that life is messy. I know that I can't continue to be a couch potato for very much longer. But today, I plan on crawling up on the couch, watching awful soap operas, and thinking about what happens when life give you lemons.
And you know that making lemonade isn't the answer.
