Miss or Mrs?

Even though we are not legally married, Neville and I often refer to each other as husband or wife.  We never correct friends or co-workers when they assume that a couple with a child and a mortgage would be a married couple.  For all intentions and purposes, we are married.  We just chose to not get legally married. 

As a career woman, those who assume that we are married don't think twice about me having my "maiden name."  And that's okay.  I don't mind when people assume we are married.  I don't mind being called Neville's wife.  I love Neville as a wife loves her husband. 

But there is one part of this whole married, but unmarried lifestyle that I never considered.

What will my child's friends call me? 

Am I Miss Robyn?  Am I Miss Roark?  Am I Mrs. <Insert Neville's Last Name>?

Darius has his father's last name just as I have my father's last name.   But since Neville and I aren't married, and all of our close friends/family know that, I wonder what I am supposed to be called?

I guess, technically, it would be Miss Robyn or Miss Roark. Ms. Roark?

With my godson and goddaughter, I have always been Auntie Robyn.  With the pediatrician, I am Mrs. <Neville's Last Name>.   At work... well, who calls anybody by anything other than a first name at work these days?

Nowadays, it isn't uncommon for women to keep their maiden name when they do get married.  Even if Neville and I had chosen a traditional path, I still would have kept my last name.  It's my name.  It's a part of my identity.  And, yes, the feminist in me thinks the whole name-changing thing is stupid when you consider the origins of the tradition. 

So even if we were married, I still would be struggling with my formal name.

And for those of you who think that children no longer need to use the formal Mr/Miss/Ms/Mrs anymore, just this week I've been called with a Miss or Mrs in by five separate families.

We haven't touched the subject with Darius about the fact that we are not legally married.  How would a four year old know what that means anyways?  He has two parents who live together, love each other, and love him.  Yes, he knows what it means to get married.  He's attended more than one wedding and it outnumbered by girls who want to play house at preschool.  I think he's just assumed that we got married before he was born.   Which is somewhat true.  After all, we were in a committed relationship before he was born. 

When I hung out with a mom-friend this week, her daughter kept calling me "Darius' Mom."  I'm thinking that's what I'll stick with until I figure this whole thing out.

Comments

[Average Jane]

I'm married but I kept my name, so I always like "Ms." - not that anyone's addressed me that formally in years.

[Nette @ Smiling Mom]

Most moms at my school go by their own last name. I always refer to them as Ms. xxx. My kids will call you Ms. Roark. Unless you'd prefer them to say Mrs. Roark. But, in our family, it's the last name or nothing. :-)

[Renee]

I am most often referred to as the child's mom. I teach a class at church and the children refer to me as Miss Renee. I am married but frankly the kids don't care about distinguishing Mrs/ Ms/ Miss.
You will probably be Darius' mom most of the time.

[kimberly/tippytoes]

See, at the hippie school this is not an issue - everyone goes by their first name. Maybe it is my Marin County upbringing, but I've never asked my kids to call anyone by Mr/Ms/Miss/Mrs unless...actually no unless, it's never happened. And I feel uncomfortable being called "Mrs. x." Some people have titles (Teacher X. Dr. X) but that's as formal as we get.

[Jessica (aka @kikarose)]

I had this whole conversation with my friends when my daughter started speaking, and across the board each friend told me that they would be offended if I made my kids call them Mr or Mrs anything. So we dropped the question.
Now that we're dealing with school friends and daycare friends, whose parents aren't really our close buds, it's starting to be an issue again. I don't really want to be Mrs. R, that's my mother-in-law, but at the same time C's Mom is kind of weirdly stripping me of my own identity...
It's quite the conundrum!

[DemMom]

My friend who kept her name is often called Mrs. (insert her husband's and child's last name). She doesn't correct the kids, who are 5 and 7. I imagine that she will eventually when they're older. And she does tell other parents and other adults, in a casual and off hand way, that she has a different last name.
I, on the other hand, changed my name right after getting married but still get introduced by my maiden name by people who I've worked with for a long time (many longer than I've known my husband).
My daughter calls daycare parents "So and So's mom," and most of our friends are just their first names. As long as everyone is comfortable with that (first names), I definitely prefer it.

[Karen MEG]

I kept my maiden name when we got married, for professional reasons and that fact that my hubby's name is a mouthful and always misspelled LOL! At the time most women were keeping their names... but the kids have their Dad's name. I go by Ms; the kids' friends just call me by my first name, but in my daughter's kindergarten class when I volunteer, the teacher introduces me as Mrs. *, the first letter of my kids' and hubby's surname. There are many moms in the school who kept their maiden names, so it's not unusual, although I suppose for kids, when they're in the younger grades, it can get confusing!