Never bake your spouse a birthday cake before you have your first cup of coffee.
Never decide that baking a cake would be a fun project to do with your child on a rainy day when you have back-to-back conference calls.
Never give your child a bowl of frosting and expect any of that frosting to actually make it on to the cake.
Never ever give your child a jar of sprinkles without having the dustbuster at the ready.
Never totally lose your cool when you step in a glob of sprinkle covered frosting.
Never tell your child that they can light the candles just to get them to stop crying after you lost it when stepping in a glob of sprinkle covered frosting.
Never pull the candles out of the hand of your child and tell them they are "doing it all wrong" when it's just a damn candle on a damn birthday cake that you shouldn't have made but just picked one up from the store and what it exactly were you thinking, lady, when you thought it was a f-cking fantastic idea to make a cake between back-to-back conference calls on a rainy day with a kid who has way too much energy and is now on a major sugar high from eating a bowl of frosting.
Never think it's never too early for a drink. Or a lobotomy.
Oh and Happy Birthday, honey. When are you coming home?
