I read this article in the NY Times last week and realized just how lucky I am to have the opposite situation. The story is about uninvolved Grandparents. I'll give you an excerpt because if I know one thing I know that my readers hate to click over and read just about anything I link (yes, I'm talking to you).
"Women with young children are looking for guidance from their mother or mother-in-law, but these days they are often looking in vain.... In other words, it may take a village to raise a child, but these days the village may be more heavily populated with nannies than nanas."
Ever since Darius was born, I've been surrounded by GP squad. My mother took off two weeks to stay with me. My dad made sure that I got out of the house every day during my maternity leave. When I returned to work, my mother reduced her hours at work to care for Darius one day a week. She watched him on Mondays for 2.5 years - in all honesty, about 18 months longer than she should have with her deteriorating health. But she loved to be with him and knew how much I needed her. I will never forget the sacrifice.
Neville's father and aunt took Darius another day. In fact, for one year when our in-home daycare provider moved out of state and we were wait-listed on a preschool, Neville's dad stepped it up to 3 days of taking care of our son. He even drove 30 minutes out of his way to pick up and drop off Darius at Neville's work so that we didn't have to make the commute. They still watch him regularly for two days a week so that I can work from home without losing all of my sanity.
In the summertime when my dad is out of school, he takes Darius a couple times a week. My dad is the one responsible for Darius being such an advanced swimmer at age 4. He's paid for his swim lessons since Darius was a year old and takes him to the pool at least once a week. My dad has told all of his friends that he loves being a grandpa more than he ever did being a dad (and he was one kick-ass dad). He's made two of Darius' Halloween costumes, all of his birthday cakes, and has never once said no to just about anything I've asked. My parents divorced when I was just a baby, and I think my dad is making up for all those years when he didn't have us for birthdays or Christmas. He is #1 in Darius' book. When Ya-Ya's around, the rest of us are chopped liver.
My mother-in-law lives with us. After Darius was born, money was tight for our family and for her. So we decided to rent an apartment together. It was one of the most nerve wracking decisions that has turned out to be the best thing we could have ever done. She's wonderful. Beyond wonderful. She's not taking over our parenting by any means, but having someone who actually enjoys folding laundry is a god-send. When Neville returned to grad school, having her with me on the lonely nights when Neville had night classes honestly kept me from going bat-shit crazy.
We are lucky. Really, really, really, really lucky. When we bought our house in 2007, we specifically only looked in a small radius around our extended family. My dad lives less than 10 minutes away. Neville's brother and dad live within walking distance of our house. And we've been trying to convince my mom and step-dad to move back to the area so that we can see them on a weekly basis like we do the rest of our clan. We will never leave Silicon Valley because of our extended family. We just can't.
To see Darius with his grandparents is always a hoot. He's learned who he can boss around (Neville's dad), who he can't (Nana), who always has gum or a treat for him (Ya-Ya), and who he can always wake up on a Saturday morning when mom and dad want to sleep in. He loves his grandparents. And they love him. They love him so much.
So much in fact, that they don't really care if they see their own children (aka Neville or me) so long as Darius is coming to visit.
And that's okay. For me it's not about getting the extra help (although I am eternally grateful for all that they do for us), but its about the unique relationship that Darius gets to have with each of his grandparents. His capacity to love is enormous. He's a great kid because he's surrounded by people who love him, who teach him, who nurture him.
I feel sorry for those grandmas and grandpas that don't want to take an active role in the lives of their grandchildren. Because they are missing out. I never expected my parents or Neville's parents to be this active in our son's life. I've never expected them to be our free babysitting or help us in all the ways that they do. They've all given me such a great gift. A generous gift of their time, their love, their support, their wisdom.
And I know that my son will be a better man because of it.
God Bless Grandparents. Hallelujah, amen.
