Last week I went to see Sex and the City 2 with my friend Lia. I didn't go because I'm a huge fan (loved the show, but was absolutely fine with it ending and never needed a first or second movie). I went because Lia asked. And I love Lia and have a hard time saying no to her because hanging out with her is always comedy. About three quarters of the way through the movie, there was a scene that made paying for the movie totally worth it.
Charlotte is afraid to admit about how horrible motherhood can be. Wiping butts, screaming kids, not finding fulfillment in the day-to-day. Miranda has to coax it out of her so that Charlotte can let it go. Miranda goes first by saying (in a nutshell, it wasn't like I was taking notes):
"As much as I love my child. He isn't enough. I need to work."
I think the beauty of this is the admission that motherhood isn't enough. I love Darius more than I love anyone else on this planet. More than I love myself. Or ice cream. Or cold watermelon on a hot day. I'd give up just about anything for him.
But he isn't enough. He cannot sustain me. He cannot bring total and complete fulfillment to my life. Even if he could, it really wouldn't be fair to put that kind of responsibility on a child.
That I am a working mom has nothing to do with this. I'm not advocating that every mother work. In fact, I don't care if you work or not as long as it "works" for your family. This is so much bigger than working versus staying home.
For most of us, motherhood isn't enough. That's why we have hobbies or volunteer or drink too much. That's why we set up play-dates for infants - not because our 4 month old needs a friend but we do. That's why we plan date nights or romantic weekend away with our spouse. That's why we blog - to make connections with other women who are coming to the same realization. Or shop to much. Or eat too much. Or cry in the shower too much.
Motherhood isn't enough.
It cannot be your oxygen, your water, your food to your soul. It can a part of it, for sure. I'd never give up being a mother. Although, in the fog of early motherhood I probably could have sold my soul to the devil if it meant no more sleepless nights. Motherhood was a defining moment for me. It still is. Motherhood was life changing for me. It still is.
I cannot sustain on Darius. I cannot place that kind of dysfunctional pressure on my kid. Rather, I'll admit that motherhood isn't enough. I was somebody before I had kids. I'm still somebody after.
It's perfectly alright to admit that while you love your children more than anything and would give them any organ in your body if it meant they would live, there are still times when you have a hard time liking them. Like when they poop in the bathtub, or decide cut off all their hair on one side, or tell their teacher that mom is always calling dad a jerk.
Because you know that you love them enough. You hold and squeeze them enough. And you hope that one day, when they are in therapy trying to blame all their issues on you, you'll know that you did your best. Then you'll hope that they get payback when your kids have kids. And then they'll realize that too that this parenting stuff is the hardest thing in the world.
