While at the Yahoo! Motherboard Summit last Friday, we watched a video about a local Los Gatos family whose teenage daughter committed suicide after a naked photo she had sent through her cell phone (aka a "sext") to a boy in her class was passed around school by a group of her peers. While it was clear that three boys were convicted of distributing child pornography (and received some sort of probation in the juvenile system), the story never made news since all involved were minors and the parents of the girl didn't want this to turn into a media circus.
I had a really hard time watching the video and listening to much of the discussion from the panel after which included one Yahoo! exec, an internet safety expert, and a Sunnyvale Police Officer. While my heart goes out to the family and their daughter, I was also mightily disturbed by the amount of blaming that the boys received from the panel. I won't deny that the boys were royal assholes for distributing the photo. I'm not disputing that they don't deserve the punishment they received. Still, I couldn't help wondering if this would have all been prevented if their daughter hadn't been so foolish as to send something so intimate to a boy she barely knew? I only watched a ten-minute video; I certainly don't have all the information to make a qualified opinion of my own. But what is clear to me:
Girls and boys behave differently when it comes to virtual peer-to-peer interaction
Everyone in this case made a bad choice. The teenage girl chose to take a photo exposing herself and text it to a boy. The boy chose to share it and ultimately distribute it. Lots of teenagers chose to view the photo and continue to either pass it on or not tell an adult. Girls need added doses of self-esteem. This girl was a popular teenager... don't go thinking that your "straight A, pimple free, has lots of friends" daughter isn't dying inside for "someone to like her." Boys need to understand that no matter how exciting it is to see a girl's boobs (especially a popular girl's boobs), it isn't right. If just one of those teens had reached out to their parent during the incident (one did after the death and that's how the parents found out), who knows how different the outcome could have been.As a cop-friend pointed out, if the girl in this case hadn't committed suicide, she could have been held criminally liable for creating child pornography. I know it's a tough conversation to have with teens who have an under-developed frontal cortex that controls understanding consequences (something that doesn't happen until early 20s). But your teen's bad choices can have lifelong impacts that their little brains just don't grasp yet. Not all of those bad choices are going to end in death or jail... but there's certainly lots of consequences that can hurt for years to come. Whether that's not getting accepted at the college or company of your dreams to losing gallons of self-esteem to having friends turn into enemies.
Cell phones are just as dangerous as computers or laptops
In this case, the nude photo was taken with a cell phone with a camera and texted to a boy. No computers were used. Cell phone rules seem simple enough:
- Make your child sign a contract with expectations on use, behavior, and consequences if there is violation of the contract.
- Make them regularly check-in the phone. My mom-friends with older kids/teens suggest a nightly check-in so that the kids aren't texting and calling past bedtime.
- Disable texts, data, or internet on the phone until you feel that they are responsible enough to use it without abusing those features.
Withdrawal is a burning red flag
This wasn't the first parent I've heard who's looked back and noticed that their teen withdrew from normal family interaction in the weeks/months leading up the tragedy. When your once-engaged teen turns into a different kid, it is not their cry for independence. It is a cry for help. Investigate. Be tough. Snoop. Confiscate cell phones and laptops. And if they refuse to talk to you, take them to a professional they can talk to. As much as teens don't want to acknowledge that they need a parent, they do in fact still need parenting.
As I kissed Darius this morning on his way to summer camp, I said a little prayer of thankfulness that we aren't at this time in our lives where I have to worry about my child sending inappropriate messages to girls or watching God knows what on his friend's laptop. I know that as soon as I blink, my six year old will be a pre-teen and then a teenager. I know that soon enough we'll have to figure out when (if ever) he gets a cell phone in his youth. And I know that cyber-bullying can exist even if your kid isn't online frequently. But for right now, I just want to kiss my little boy and hope that by the time he's a teenager that Prince will be right and the internets will be dead.
