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    Darius

    December 26, 2008

    Christmas

    Darius woke me up early Christmas morning in a panic.  He tugged at my hand and told me to "Get Up.  Get Up. Get Up."  He had checked out the living room before he came to me and saw that Santa had eaten all the cookies and drunken his milk... but Darius couldn't find any new presents under the tree.  To think that Santa would have committed the ultimate sin of forgetting a good boy on Christmas was too much for Darius to handle alone.  And so I was woken up with my child acting like the house was on fire.  This was a serious EMERGENCY.

    Yeah, turns out Santa left the presents next to the fireplace instead of under the Christmas tree.  Apparently the man in red was in a rush and didn't have time to walk all the way across the other side of the room to deposit the presents under the tree.

    Or perhaps Santa never thought that Darius would only look in one place and then end up in a morning panic which would result in waking up his mother at a time that no mother should be woken up even if it is Christmas morning.   Regardless, I've already sent Santa a memo to remember to put the damn presents under the damn tree... and while we're at it, can this mother please not get woken up until after the clock reads 7:00 (or even better 8:00)??

    We kept our Christmas small this year.  Thanks to the Leapfrog event I attended in November, Darius opened both a Tag and a Leapster2.  After the shouting match he had with Santa in Disneyland, I made sure that we had a Star Wars Lego set as well.  Little did I know that the real present would be getting to put together 82 pieces of teeny tiny legos before a cup of coffee.  We also raided the dollar store for lots of stocking stuffers.   Neville and I continued our 9-year tradition of not buying anything for eachother. Although I did splurge with a pack of Costco underwear in his stocking.  Because, frankly, Neville would wear his undies until they had holes in places that underwear shouldn't have holes if I didn't buy him new underwear.

    The opening of presents was nearly over before it began.  And yet, the living room still looks like we had an excessive holiday with lots of people over... which is even more strange considering we left the house at 9:30am to suprise my mom for Christmas and didn't get home until after 10:00pm.

    December 25, 2008

    Worse than coal

    "Darius, who are those cookies for?"

    "Santa"

    "Really?  I thought those were for daddy."

    "No.  Those are SANTA'S cookies."

    "Well, what if daddy eats them? What would Santa bring daddy?"

    "If daddy eats Santa's cookies then daddy would get a BARBIE."

    December 09, 2008

    Christmas at Disneyland

    To say that our weekend at Disneyland was magical is a complete understatement.  We had a phenomenal time.   The weather was unbelievable (high 70s!).   The lines were reasonable.  And Darius is just the perfect age to get caught up in the magic.   Watching him was THE HIGHLIGHT of my weekend.  To see him get so excited about riding Space Mountain or taking a photo with Pooh Bear... To see him love the things about Disneyland that I loved as a child, it was more than magical for me.

    I've never been to Disneyland during the holidays and didn't know what to expect.  It surpassed my wildest dreams.  I'm telling you, a weekend in Disneyland decorated to the gills in Christmas themes will fill you with the spirit of season. 

    It's a Small World had Christmas carols playing throughout.

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    We were serenaded by super-talented Disney singers in our hotel lobby.

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    But the best part was Santa

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    When Darius saw Santa headed our way in the Holiday Parade, he immediately stood up and started to frantically wave at him.  He was so excited to see the man in red.  When Santa got closer, Darius turned to me and said "I have to tell him what I want," and then shouted at the top of his lungs "SANTA, SANTA! I WANT A STAR WARS LEGO SET FOR CHRISTMAS."  He said it with such sincerity and passion.  So sweet.  Neville and I are still getting a laugh out of it. 

    Good thing, I picked one up the day before.  Afterall, he has been a very good boy this year.

    December 06, 2008

    Jedi Training at Disneyland

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    My young Padwan is fighting "Dark Vader."  I think Darius nearly peed himself from the excitement of it all.  He hasn't stopped talking about how he defeated Darth Vader.  This is by far the most memorable part of our trip to Disneyland so far.  And totally sealed the deal on Darius being one of those total Star Wars geeks when he grows up.  I see many conventions in his future.

    Disneyland Day 1

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    the unhappy daddy mouse

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    the very first ride

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    the nightmare before christmas has haunted the mansion

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    the encounter with the most famous mouse in the world

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    the spectacular fireworks show to end the night

    December 05, 2008

    We're going to Disneyland

    We are heading to the most magical place on earth for the weekend.  The last time we went to Disneyland, Darius was just barely 2 years old.  Time for an updated family photo, don't you think?

    Disneyland   

    December 02, 2008

    Damn you, Santa

    I rely on the "Santa Syndrome" as a disciplining techinque from Halloween until Christmas.  Every parent who celebrates Christmas uses this technique.  You know, the same one that your parents used on you when you were a kid.  The one in which you pretend to call Santa or let Santa know that your child is acting naughty.  The one in which you threaten coal in a stocking.  When you remind your child that Santa is making his Good List and Naughty List, so he best start acting like a good little boy or he may get nuttin' for Christmas.

    It's cruel and manipulative, I know.  But it works, people!  It works like a charm. 

    That is, until Santa ruined it for me. 

    My dad took Darius on a shopping trip to the mall this past weekend.  While they were passing the Santa photo op, Darius waved and said hello to the man in red.  And wouldn't you know, Santa smiled and waved back.  My sweet, Christmas-loving child took that to mean one thing and one thing only...

    He's been a good little boy this year and Santa will be bringing him LOTS and LOTS of TOYS.

    In otherwords, I'm totally screwed.

    Darius came home from the mall so excited about his encounter with Santa.  And totally convinced that the verdict is already in about his "goodness."  No amount of me trying to threaten otherwise has made a crack in his resolve.

    Sure, he's a good kid.  In fact he's a great kid.  He's generous and sensitive.  He's kind and cuddly. 

    And thanks to Santa, I have no power over him.  By Santa acknowledging his mere presence, Darius has deduced that he is good. 

    Santa wouldn't wave and smile at a naughty boy, right?

    November 17, 2008

    A promise is a promise

    "Mom, what are you drinking?"

    "A beer."

    "Can I have a taste?"

    "No.  This is an adult drink."

    "No fair."

    "It's not for kids.  You know what? When you are twenty-one you can have a sip of my beer.  Okay?"

    "Hey, I have a good-er idea!  How about when I am sixty?"

    "Deal.  When you are sixty you can have a sip of beer.  Hey, when you are sixty you can have anything you want!"

    "YES! When I am sixty I am going to have CANDY for dinner!"

    November 12, 2008

    I Know What You Did Last Summer

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    This summer nearly all of our free time was spent at the pool.

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    Thanks to a month of private lessons paid for by Ya-Ya, Darius transformed from a kid who was comfortable in the water to complete fish. His stroke is a little strange, but he can swim laps. 

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    Next summer we plan on putting Darius in a summer swim league.  Will he be the next Michael Phelps?  I doubt it.  But maybe I have a future water polo player or surfer in my midst.

    November 05, 2008

    Four going on Fourteen

    The scene: Darius is getting ready for school.  He puts on a camo long-sleeve shirt under a camo short-sleeve shirt.  Pulls on brown pants and then puts on his brown belt OVER his shirt.

    "Do you need help putting your belt through your belt loops?"

    "No, I like it like this."

    "I don't mind helping"

    "I said it's fine, mom."

    Shoves a stuffed animal between the belt and his shirt

    "What's the panda for?"

    "I'm an Army-man. "

    "Oh, I didn't know Army men carried pandas."

    Ignores me while looking at himself in the mirror

    "Seriously, what's the panda for?"

    Walks away while rolling his eyes and shaking his head

    November 03, 2008

    Halloween at Who's the Boss?

    30 trick or treaters at the door

    1 adult asking for candy

    4 teens not even in costume

    2 1/2 hours Darius walked around our neighborhood in his Storm Trooper costume

    3 1/2 pounds of candy I need to dispose of before I eat it all

    2 tips to have the Halloween Fairy come and take it call away 

    3 pumpkins carved - 1 Skeleton, 1 Jack o Lantern, and 1 Storm Trooper

    9 requests to have a piece of candy before breakfast

    5 suggestions of what his costume can be next year

    October 31, 2008

    Happy Halloween

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    "Storm Troopers are fun because they get guns. Light Sabers are for pansies."

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    "What? I don't get my own gun??? The Emperor (aka Mom) says that I'll just have to improvise."

    "Think I'll get more candy if I flash 'em with a killer smile?"

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    October 17, 2008

    Community Outreach

    Yesterday, Batman dropped in on a local firehouse to ensure that the fire-fighters were in tip top shape for the city.

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    First Batman inspected the fire truck.  Good job firemen - the truck is clean and ready for action.

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    Then Batman inspected the firehose.  Afterall, what's the good of responding to the fire if you can't actually put it out? Again, these firemen keep their equipment clean and untangled.

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    When the firefighters were called out on a real emergency, Batman swung into action to save the visiting preschool children. He made sure they stood together in a group so that no child was crushed by the enormous wheels of the firetruck.

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    All in all, Batman gave this firehouse an A- grade.  The only thing missing?

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    Snack.

    October 08, 2008

    Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder, Right?

    Since Darius was born, I've taken about a dozen business trips.  If you do the math, that's just three trips a year.  Nothing compared to what some corporate citizens have to endure in their careers.  Because my travel requirements are light, I think fondly of all my business trips.  Even the sucky ones in lame places with long lay-overs in airports and terrible hotel room service.  I think fondly of them because when I returned there was a smiling baby, then a toddler who would run to me with open arms, and now a little boy that shouts to the heavens "MOM-MA" when he sees me again. 

    I've learned important lessons on parenting from these business trips.  Like you probably don't want to get your kid in the habit of getting a really cool present every single time you leave.   And if you really want to get your kid something, make sure you plan it out so you don't spend $19.95 on a "I love Denver" shirt in the airport.

    I've learned to not talk about a trip too far in advance of the actual trip.  Or you may end up with an hysterical toddler sobbing into his chicken and rice at the dinner table.   I've learned to never ever tell your child that maybe one day he will get to go with you on a trip because that child will remember that promise and mention every single time you ever talk about a business trip again.

    And I've learned to never ask your spouse what he made for dinner while you were away.  Because, really, you don't want to know that your kid hasn't had a fruit or vegetable in a week and is probably only still alive thanks to hotdogs and canned chili. 

    I left for another business trip this morning.  It's a short two day jaunt to an office three hours away.  When you think of business trips this one should be easy.  Except I am still learning the toughest lesson of all...

    How can I stop my heart from breaking a little every time I say good-bye?

    October 01, 2008

    What Would Freud Say?

    “Momma, are you married?”

    “Yes”

    “Do I have to get married?”

    “No, you don’t have to get married.  Besides, you can’t until you all grown-up.”

    “I think I’ll marry you when I am bigger.”

    “That’s very sweet, but Momma is already married to Daddy.”

    “Well, we are a family.”

    “Yes."

    “So we can all marry each other, right?”

    September 20, 2008

    The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree

    Darius Artist: Darius, Age 4

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    Mom

    Artist: Mom, Age 30

    September 04, 2008

    Forewarned

    Darius: Mom, can you do this? [rolls eyes]

    Me: Yes.  I can roll my eyes.

    Darius:  No you can't.  Let me teach you.  First you look left then you look up then look left [looking right].

    Me: I see.  That's called 'rolling your eyes.'

    Darius:  How did you know that?

    Me: I perfected the look when I was fifteen.

    Darius: I can't wait until I am fifteen.  I will roll my eyes a HUNDRED times EVERY day.

    Me: Yeah, I can't wait for that either. [rolls eyes]

    August 28, 2008

    Photojournal: First Dental Visit

    All of these photos were taken by Darius. 

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    August 20, 2008

    Say My Name

    August 19, 2008

    Help-hims

    Me: "I need a helper" [looking at Darius]

    My Mother-in-Law: "Helper is so sexist.  Why do they call it a help-her?  Like only women need help."

    Me: "It isn't spelled H-E-L-P-H-E-R.  It isn't even pronounced that way."

    Darius: "But I don't want to be girl."

    MIL: "It sounds like help-her to me.  Where are the help-hims?"

    Darius: "I am not a help-her.  I am a help-boy."

    Me: "Help-hers.  Helper.  Help-him.  Help-boy.  I don't care who helps.  Just HELP already."

    June 12, 2008

    They'll be charging admission next week

    Photo Our neighbors bought this over the weekend and then invited Darius over to play.

    Darius learned how to pull himself up onto the big slide in no time.  He had such a blast.  And I had the time of my life watching them. 

    Yes just watching. As fun as that looked, getting in a bathing suit to go down a water slide with freezing cold water?  Yeah, that's not my idea of a good time. 

    What you can't see in the photo is the purple lips on my child from playing in cold water from the hose.   The child was so cold that he didn't quip once when I forced him out for a sit-in-the-sun-until-you-are-warm time out. 

    Makes that birthday pinata we got for his party pale in comparison.

    June 09, 2008

    To Darius, on your fourth birthday

    Congrats kiddo.  You've hit the big time.  Or at least you think so.  For I'm sure what has felt like eternity to get here, you are now four.  When you walked into your school this morning, you were a BIG BOY.  All excited to tell everyone it is your "burff-day" and proudly display four fingers on your hand.   

    Last night, momma went out and bought cupcakes.  You didn't seem to notice me deflate a little in doing so.  For every birthday until now, I've always made your cake (or outsourced it to Ya-Ya).   I felt like I failed when we had to get pre-made cupcakes.  I mean, really.  How difficult is it to actually make 15 cupcakes?  It's not.  Really.  But that wasn't the point.

    One day you'll learn the art of prioritization and understand that this weekend other things were more important.  Like spending the morning at the water park and an afternoon with our neighbors.  I could have snuck away at some point and made those darned cupcakes.  But you see, I'm still learning how to be fully present in your life instead of behind the scenes in the kitchen or doing laundry or washing toilets.  It's hard when I am home to just be with you when there are 90 other things calling out to me.  Like those dirty dishes in the sink right now. 

    I hope in your generation the idea of "having it all" will be either solved or proved utterly impossible.  And that when you are a father you won't even think twice between spending time as a family or srubbing the tile floor.   Because I'll doubt you'll ever say to me "Thanks mom for always keeping the bathtub clean." 

    So you get store-bought cupcakes.  And a mother who learns more from you than you from her.  Thanks for the lesson in life, kiddo. 

    Happy Burff-day. 

    XOXO,

    Your Momma

    May 06, 2008

    Picnic

    Darius took all of these photos! After weeding through the 25 he took of the grass and another 15 with his finger over the lens, I found quite a few treasures to create a Scrapblog.

    May 03, 2008

    Even a three year old can do it

    Chinatown_and_smoothies_018 Summertime Smoothies

    • 10 oz apple juice, chilled
    • 1 cup vanilla yogurt or fro-yo
    • 2 cups strawberries, chilled (I use fresh, but you can freeze 'em for a thicker consistency)
    • handful of icecubes

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    Chinatown_and_smoothies_025 Chinatown_and_smoothies_027 I think I'll teach him how to make magaritas next weekend.

    April 22, 2008

    I'm sure I'll eventually regret it

    Tonight at 5:52 pm, I taught my son how to make farting noises with by blowing "raspberries" onto his forearm.  Like all boys, he hasn't stopped since he figured out that mom thinks its funny.  I wonder at what point I won't think it is funny and find the whole thing inappropriate.

    Please hold me back before I show him the wonders of the arm pit technique.

    I can't wait until he shows off his new skilz at school.  This will be fun considering we already have a parent-teacher conference set up for next Monday.

    April 17, 2008

    He clearly needs more Jedi training

    Last weekend, one of the channels we get on our extremely basic cable service was having a Star Wars weekend.  All six played back to back.  Or maybe it was just the first three which are now called the last three since George Lucas went and made a prequel trilogy to the original trilogy.  And thus totally confusing the hell outta me.  Episode IV is really the FIRST movie.  And I totally don't get it.

    Anyways, as I was flipping through the channels, I landed on the beginning of the first movie, err episode IV.  My mother-in-law confesses that she HAD NEVER SEEN STAR WARS.  My mouth hit the floor.  I was the kid that had her hair braided into Princess Leia buns on the side of my head.  My brother  had all the Star Wars toys that I would accidentally break and put away when he wasn't looking.  We had toothbrushes with R2-D2 on it for goodness sake.  And yet my MIL has no idea about the coolness that is Star Wars. 

    I made her watch.  And I made her listen to all my very lame insightful commentary.

    Meanwhile, Darius was outside helping his dad put together a storage shed that is item 4 on a list of 1,268,947 things to do in the backyard before D's birthday party in June.  Darius slowly meandered in and started watching with us.  The force is that strong in our household.  He could sense it from outside and was drawn into my lap to watch a movie that was pivotal in my formative years. 

    Or I just called to him to "come see momma." 

    I didn't let him watch very long.  But I figured it couldn't hurt him.  Afterall, I was about his age when I saw The Empire Strikes Back in the movie theatre.  If Neville wasn't around (Mr. No -TV!), I so would have let Darius watch the whole thing.  It has swords light sabers that make cool noises, a bazillion army-men Storm Troopers that shoot lasers, space ships, and a hot chick who always is in need of rescue.  Come on, he's bound to love it. 

    He ended up getting in about 30 minutes.  And I am such a good mom, I turned the TV off during the commercials to save him from being duped believing that AXE spray actually makes women want to have sex with you.  When it was time for him to shower and get ready for bed, we said good-bye to Star Wars.  Literally.  Darius waved good-bye to the TV.  And Neville was none the wiser about our TV escapade.

    Until this morning.

    Darius asked to watch Sesame Street when he woke up.  With eyes still closed, Neville said "It's too early.  It's not on, buddy." And since we seem to be the last household in America that doesn't have a Tivo, our poor child would have to wait until 8:00am when the show airs on our local PBS station. 

    To which Darius replied, "Then I want to watch the show with the white mens."

    Needless to say, both of Neville's eyes popped open.  I'm sure he had visions of me subjected our son to gay porn from the looks on his face.  So before Darius could say anything else, I blurted out that I let him watch a little of Star Wars and then said something along the lines of how lame Neville can be about that no-TV rule except for Sesame Street (which I break all the time when I work from home with Darius, but will never admit).

    From the looks on Neville's face, I think he would have been happier had I told him the mens-show was really gay porn.  But thank gawd, it was way too early for Neville to actually get all fussy about situation. 

    I told Darius that when he gets little bigger, I'll let him watch the WHOLE movie.  But for now, he'll just have to read a book.  Because it is too darned early to be watching TV.  Or be out of bed, for that matter. 

    Since when did Jedi's get up at the crack of dawn?

    March 30, 2008

    Say What??

    “Momma you are a dickhead.”

    Excuse me.  What did you just say?”

    “Dickhead.  Dick head.”

    “Darius, that isn’t nice to say.”

    “What? Dickhead?”

    “Yes, Darius.  That is a potty word.”

    “Dickhead is a potty word?”

    “STOP saying that.  It is a potty word.  Where did you learn that word?”

    “At school”

    “You are learning potty words at school?”

    “We learned about dicks”

    “You learned about WHAT????”

    “Dicks.  You know the ones that go quack quack.”

    “Darius, do you mean ducks?”

    “Yeah, ducks.  That’s what I said.  Duckhead.”

    [trying not to laugh]

    “Momma, why is duckhead a potty word?”

    “It’s not. I thought you said something else”

    “What you think I said?”

    [stalling]

    “Momma, what potty word did you think I said?”

    “Nothing, honey.”

    “Momma?”

    “Eat your dinner”

    March 24, 2008

    Birth Story

    Darius Darius was due on June 1st.  On June 2nd, I went to my OBGYN for our weekly visit.  I told her that I was done being pregnant.  She told me to wait another week and then we’d talk of induction.  The week had nearly passed.  I swear in that one week I had gained 15 lbs.  My legs were so swollen.  I no longer had feet.  I suffered with pregnancy induced insomnia. 

    By some sort of miracle, I feel asleep that night around 12:30.  It was the first time in two weeks that I had made it to bed before 3am.  An hour later, I woke up with a startle. I had peed the bed.  I was so embarrassed.  Here I am the size of a whale and I just peed the bed.  But then when I got up, I actually felt the need to pee.  Who pees the bed, wakes up, and then pees again?  I remembered the teacher from the birthing class talk about how many women confuse their water breaking for peeing.  And the way to tell the difference is to smell the liquid.  Yes folks, pee has a distinct well pee smell.  And amniotic fluid does not.  So I did what any desperate pregnant woman the size of a whale would do...

    I woke up Neville and made him smell my pants.  Yeah, that’s why I love the man.  He didn’t even question me when I asked him to smell me.  Total and complete love, people. 

    Thirty minutes later we were at the hospital where I was being hooked up to fetal monitors and getting the usual pokes and prods.  I hadn’t had a contraction yet.  Nothing was happening.  We sat in the labor and delivery room staring at my enormous belly as if to say “Well…. Do something already.” 

    As soon as Neville found out that I could get all the free juice I wanted, he started demanding that I put in juice requests.  The man must have drunk a gallon of juice in an hour.  You’d think that he was more excited about the juice than the fact that we were about to become parents.

    Around 5:30am we started to call family.  My dad first since he gets up at 4:45am every day.  Then my mom since she had the furthest to travel.  My contractions were barely contractions.  I have experienced worse menstrual cramps that those early contractions.  When our family would ask me how I was doing, I responded with “I’m fine.  I think I can do this naturally.” 

    Of course, as soon as you use the word “natural” your body has to play a cruel trick and make sure that you really know what a contraction feels like.  Within an hour, I had dilated to nearly 5cm.  The contractions were only managed by me crying uncontrollably through it.  The nurse offered a narcotic to “take the edge off.”  I agreed.

    Five minutes of pain free bliss were all that the narcotic would give me.  It would be another hour before I’d be able to get another 5 minutes of reprieve.  And so I reluctantly accepted the epidural.  Neville was against it but supportive of my decision.  I swear the anesthesiologist was in the room within 15 minutes.  But by 7am, I was no longer in pain.  And my mom had arrived. 

    The epidural allowed me to rest for an hour.  But I couldn’t get comfortable in the bed.  And my left leg had gone completely limp.  It was such a weird sensation.  Neville got cut off from the juice as the nurse was afraid I’d throw up since I was “drinking all the juice.”  Little did she know that it was really Neville.  And now I was really thirsty and had to bargain for ice chips. 

    Around 8:15, the pressure from the contractions was unbearable.  My mom and Neville did their best to massage my lower back where the pain was too much.  They did well dealing with my bi-popular responses to each contraction.  “Touch me there.”  “Stop touching me!”  “Hold my hand”  “STOP TOUCHING ME!!!” 

    By 9:00, I was fully dilated.  And ready to push. The midwife came in and my mother left the room.  Neville and I wanted to do this alone.  Well, him, me, the midwife, RN, and whoever else from the hospital staff that happened to be there.  The epidural was turned down so that I could feel the contractions better.  Neville and the nurse got me into position.  And then we waited. 

    And waited. 

    20 minutes later, the midwife advised to administer pitocin.  They added it to my drip. And then we waited.

    And waited.

    20 minutes later I thought that maybe I wanted to push.  So we tried.  But nothing happened.  And so the epidural was turned completely off.  And the pitocin was turned way up. 

    Finally, around 10:00am I felt the need to push.  And push I did.  Over and over again.  I really don’t need to go into the details.  The pushing piece it really not a part of the story that I want to relive.  Let’s just say that it isn’t any fun.   

    10 minutes into pushing, I decided that I was over it.  I really didn’t want to push any more.  I told the midwife I was done. 

    She looked me straight in the eye and said “The only one who can get this baby out is you.  So push, honey.  Push.”

    10 minutes later, our baby boy was born.  The midwife placed him on my chest.  I was so out of it.  He looked like an alien.  Covered in gooey stuff.  His eyes were swollen. His mouth puckered.  Reality had not set in.  I did not just give birth to a baby.  My baby.  This did not just happen. 

    Neville was instantly bonded.  He followed the nurse as she weighed, measured, and tested our infant son.  I asked for a cup of water.

    Darius3 The card on his hospital bassinet read:

    Baby boy
    8 lbs, 7 oz
    20 inches
    10:20am
    June 9, 2004

    A day later we would name him Darius and bring him home.  When I laid him in his bassinet for the first time, it finally hit me.  I was a mom.  And this teeny, tiny child was mine. 

    March 17, 2008

    Let's go fly a kite

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    March 12, 2008

    Explanations, by Darius. Or where I document this stuff before I forget how ridiculously funny my kid can be even when he doesn't know he's funny

    On discipline...

    "Momma, I need you to be a good momma and not give me any time outs then Santa will bring me lots of presents."

    On the human body...

    "When I swallow air in my tummy, I burp.  But if my butt swallows air, then I toot."

    On gun control...

    "You can only shoot the bad guys.  Good guys don't get shot.  Only bad guys.  And you have to be a superhero to have a gun. So pretend you are a bad guy, momma, and then I'll be the hero and shoot you."

    On family...

    "Nana is my grandma.  Ya-Ya is my grandpa.  And Grandpa Jim [Nana's husband] is my stepmom."

    On the birds and the bees...

    "Daddy put me in your belly.  I was in your belly growing and then you got a tummy ache and yelled at me to GET OUT.  So I crawled out of your tummy and then I was born."

    On healthy living...

    "If you eat your growing foods, you'll grow big muscles.  If you eat junk food, your teeth will falled out."