Who's The Boss?

A Month of Gratitude: Twelve

Whenever I've gone on a business trip, I get romantic notions of how my family will greet me when I walk through the door.  In my head, it's wonderful.  In reality?

Neville is usually exhausted from the kids, the house is a disaster, and we're out of bread.  Or milk.  Or both. 

Last week was no exception.  Except the house was perfectly tidy when I arrived home.  For a while I thought this was the doing of my family wanting to show me how much they appreciate everything I do for them (see romantic notions above).

Turns out an appraiser came by that morning.  Neville had spent the previous night cleaning and tidying up for an appraisal.  For a moment, I was miffed (see reality above).  But then I realized...

Who cares why the house is clean.  The house is clean.  And I didn't have to clean it. 

Now, how I can get the housed appraised, say, every Monday and Thursday?

A Month of Gratitude: Six

Working from home has awesome benefits.  But it sure is lonely.  While I spend most of the day on the phone and am constantly talking to someone, I'm staring at my computer screen.  Or folding laundry.  Or bouncing Cooper on my knee.  Or desperately finding a quiet place to continue to talk where my loud toddler won't be heard by the attendees on my conference call. 

I miss the in-person interaction that comes in office working.  I miss having lunch buddies.  I miss the camaraderie.  I miss the people.

This week, I've had an overdose of people.  This business trip is to solution a project in which I'm a stakeholder.  There are folks from all over the world working together to solve business problems.  While my brain is so overworked from all of the extra thinking, it has also been overwhelmingly invigorating to my soul. 

I've had the lovely opportunity to get to know my colleagues on a personal level.  I've seen pictures of their grandkids, heard stories of their kids, and shared my own.  I've put faces to names.  I've put personalities to those faces.  I've broken bread with members of my professional community.

Tonight, I am grateful for my colleagues who remind me of the sweetness of being a working mother.  I've been reminded of why I choose to work.  Why I continue to balance a professional career with a personal life.  It sure is hard work.  But it can also be incredibly fulfilling. 

A Month of Gratitude: Five

I'm grateful for company paid soy peppermint mochas, friends who meet you for dinner so you don't have to dine alone, and unlimited clean hotel towels.

While I fielded three calls from home, I also brainstormed with real people. Real people with real faces. With real ideas to solve real problems. I'm exhausted from nodding my head yes and smiling at my colleagues. Today, I am reminded of the synergy that comes in face to face meetings.

And I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

A Month of Gratitude: Two

I'm grateful for family movie nights, for stove-top popped popcorn, and ending a stressful week with the people who stress me out the most. I mean, the people I love the most. Yeah, that's what I mean.

Next week, I'll be taking my first business trip since returning from maternity leave. While I'm sure that I'll be very grateful for four nights of uninterrupted sleep, I also know that there's a possibility that I'll be crying myself to sleep. Four days in the grand scheme of things isn't a significant amount of time. But four days without my family is going to feel like eternity. A well rested eternity.

Shhh...

Admittedly, my house is noisier than the office. My toddler thinks there is no better sound in this world than the PLUNK his toys make when hurled upon our wooden floors. I often feel really horrible for our nanny who has to spend a substantial time trying to keep from Cooper from screaming at the top of his lungs while I'm on a conference call.

On my current weekly trips into the office, I've noticed that the office is more quiet than the Silent floor at my college's library. I feel guilty for just breathing.

What ever happened to the hustle an bustle of person-to-person contact? There's no water cooler conversations. There's no synergy. There's no brainstorming sessions taking place outside of a random person's cubical.

I'd take the crazy, loud, and always ill-timed noises of my toddler over this paranoia of disturbing a fellow co-worker any day.

It's too quiet to think.

Don't Burn the Popcorn

One of the things that I always hated about working in the office was the breakroom.  In the morning, I'd be silently cursing the person who took the the last cup of coffee but didn't start a new pot.  At lunch, the breakroom would be filled with an assortment of smells from the guy that microwaved fish every day to the Customer Support Engineers who seemed to only live on the free Cup O' Noodles the company provided.  But the worst smell came in the afternoon.

Inevitably, there would be some fool who would burn a bag of microwave popcorn.  Typically this happened when said fool would hit the Popcorn button on the microwave and then walk away.  The microwave's settings were too long and the popcorn always burnt.  Bad. 

The smell from the burnt popcorn would waft through the entire office.  There would be groans and eye-rolls from the rest of us.  The worst came when the fool, who realized that they just burnt a bag of popcorn, would then pop another bag AND BURN THAT ONE TOO. 

One of the best things about working from home has been that the only smells coming from my breakroom (aka the kitchen) are the smells that I create.  Since I use a Tassimo single cup to limit my coffee intake, there is not a inconsiderate co-worker who didn't start a new pot of coffee.  While I miss having the camaraderie that only comes from consistently working in an office, there is a lot that I don't miss.  Especially the burnt popcorn.

Then last week, I did it. Now I normally pop popcorn on the stove because it is the best way to pop it (seriously, if you haven't done it, try it).  But Cooper needed a snack and the microwave stuff was on sale at the grocery store.  I was the fool who hit the Popcorn button and then walked away.  I didn't even realize that I had burnt the popcorn until I opened up the microwave.  And then it hit me.

It was awful.  Awfully awful. 

The smell was so bad that I felt physically ill for the rest of the afternoon.

 Let me tell you, it was mighty difficult to do the silent death-stare and eye-roll to myself.

Working and working (and then working some more)

On Wednesdays, I wake up before the rest of house.  I quickly get dressed in the dark, picking out professional clothes that I hope still fit or match.  I quietly put on make-up with only a tiny light from the closet.  I try to make as little noise as possible since Cooper still sleeps in our room.  I tip toe to the living room where I pack up my laptop, my office badge, my wallet, and other things I'll need for the day.  And then I grab a pair of totally uncomfortable heels and head out before the sun has risen.

For the last six weeks, I've commuted one day a week to our offices in Pleasanton.  It's been a great experience in my professional life as I mentor one of our new college grads.  I look at her and I see me.  Only this me is 15 years younger, well rested, and doesn't get a call from her spouse every morning asking if Darius is has take-home lunch or hot-lunch. 

Going into the office has wreaked havoc on my personal life.  It's amazing how much harder it is to do anything when I'm gone only one day a week.  Laundry is getting backed up.  We are constantly out of some food staple.  The house turns into a pig sty before my very eyes. 

So while I want to be here, writing about my life and my struggles with the juggle between work and everything else, I am just too busy having to live my life that writing about it has become nearly impossible. 

I'm stressed.  I'm trying to deal with the stress.  I'm trying to figure out how I can reduce the stress.  

This project should be over in a month.  And my life should go back to normal.  Until then, I'll be treading water. 

In heels.

I am "The Boss!"

I'm travelling up and down the Bay Area this week to kick off new projects and train our two recent college grads.  It's exciting to be around young, fresh, haven't been woken up three times by a cranky baby, people in their early 20s.  It's also frightening to think that was me not all that long ago and just how much my children have aged me.

Driving this morning into the East Bay, I stopped at a small independent coffee shop to grab a cup of joe.  There was only two options for drip coffee at this joint.  One of them was completely fitting.

 
My sentiments, exactly.

The Fire-Drill

I was an RA in college.  That's Residential Assistant for all you folks who didn't live on campus.  A part of my job was making sure that my residents were safe.  For two weeks before college started, we would have training.  CPR training, suicide prevention training, sexual harrassment training, and a bunch more I can no longer remember.  The favorite part of the training sessions was the Fire Prevention training.  We would walk over to the campus fire house and learn about how crazy easy it is to accidentally start a fire, how not every fire extinguisher will work on every fire, and when to not try to put out the fire but rather get out of the building.  The best part for everyone was getting to actually use fire extinguishers on a few small, fireman-made fires. 

But that isn't the type of fire prevention I'm used to now.

 

In the corporate world, "fire-drill" doesn't mean get out of the building because there is an actual fire.

Fire-drill is corporate speak for addressing an urgent issue with little to no turn around time.  It requires you to drop everything else you are working on and focus on this one item for as long as it takes until it is complete.  Often times that means cancelling calls, skipping lunch, staying late, and perhaps pulling in a co-worker or two to assist. 

Two nights ago, my Senior Director sent an email with a fire-drill.  In less than 48 hours, I have to compile a status that would normally take a week to complete.  It meant working late last night, feverishly working this morning, and already snipping at my family a half-dozen times about how I need.it.to.be.quiet.in.here.right.this.instant!

Now that I work from home, the hardest part of fire-drills is managing my family.  When I worked in an office, it was easy to call my spouse and tell him I was going to be home very late.  While I missed my kids and perhaps stressed out my partner, I wasn't there to witness the mess.  At home, with my "office" a converted kitchen table in our living room, there is no escape.  While I can tell my spouse that I need him to pick up the slack while I continue to work, my mere presence at home makes it all more complicated. 

"What's for dinner?" 

"Has homework been completed?"

" Oh no, Cooper threw up."

By the time the kids are in bed, my brain is so fried from dealing with my family that I just don't have much energy left to deal with the work crisis.  I guess I could go to Starbucks and try to work there.  Or crash over at my dad's place. 

But the true issue isn't my family. 

It's me.

When I worked in an office, my ability to compartmentalize my life was one of my biggest strengths.  Of course, it was much easier to get into working mode when I actually had to get dressed in a presentable way each day.  While I love the flexibility that comes with working from home, I fear that I'm losing the battle on keeping work and life separate.  Judging from my desk with piles of Darius's school paperwork, birthday party invites for Cooper, and a ton of work-folders, I know that my work life and my personal life have collided. And not in a good way.

I certainly don't want to go back to office life.  The commute alone would give me a stroke. But I need to find a quiet place to work that won't allow constant interruption.  That also isn't the closet or the bathroom. 

Or the next fire I'll be fighting is the one I start in the kitchen when I burn dinner.

Honestly, I don't have it "together"

I received a very nice email last week from a reader who wanted to know my secrets for balancing work and family and carpool and sports and a baby who just took his first steps.  Okay, okay, she only asked about the balance part.

Which made me laugh. 

Really hard.

Apparently having a blog about being a working mother makes folks think that I have it together.  It's a good thing my son hasn't videotaped me during homework hour when I'm known to roll my eyes, shake my fists, and say not-very-nicely "SERIOUSLY" when he's been caught making faces in his closest mirror rather than finish a SINGLE MATH WORKSHEET.

Most days I feel like this:

 
Hanging between work and life.  Only in my version, it's not nearly as fun.

So, you want to know how I have it together.  I'll share with you my secrets of being a successful work-from-home mom.

1. I rarely get out of my pajamas before 1:00pm.  It's true - my nanny can vouch for me.
2. I rarely put on a bra before 11:00am. It's all in the hopes that I'm going to get out of my pajamas and into the shower. Which brings me to my next secret...
3. I rarely get to shower before 1:00pm. The morning is filled with getting Darius off to school (that includes lunch-packing, breakfast-making, and no less than 1,305 requests to put on shoes and socks) and then getting as much work as possible before Eva (my beloved nanny) leaves.  Showers often fall to the bottom of the list.  The very bottom.
4. I self-medicate with Hostess Cupcakes. Not every day, mind you.  But when I get stressed out, I need me some really horrible, processed, chocolately goodness.  It's cheaper than cigarrettes and less addicting than booze.
5. I cry.
6. I yell.
7. I argue with my spouse over who is more sleep deprived.
8. I visit Facebook during really boring conference calls.
9. I remember to breathe.  Especially during the crying and yelling.
10. I say No a lot.  Like all the time.  Like whenever anyone asks anything of me.

Honestly, I don't have it together.  Work is getting incredibly busy, life never seems to calm down, and our weekends are so packed it's crazy making. 

But then I remember that I chose all of this.  I must have been out of my freakin' mind when I chose it.  But I did.  And I chose to make it work. 

Even when it involves eating a Ho-Ho.

Is getting revenge at work at good thing? Or career suicide?

Early in my career, I had a string of bad bosses.  There was the one that had zero integrity and would blatantly lie to cover his own butt.  There was another who always took credit for her team's work.  I had another I stayed with for years, despite him being a royal a-hole.  When the organization was dissolved because of his poor management, it felt as if we went through a painful divorce.  While I'd probably never want to work for those folks again (I say probably in the hopes that those managers have grown up and learned how to be better bosses), I also know that I learned a ton from all of them.  Sometimes the lesson was in what not to do.  Sometimes their lack of abilities led to a strengthening in my own.

I recently went to an advance screening of The Help.  The movie has been both praised and criticized for its portrayal of women in the South during Civil Rights.  The film, based on a national bestselling book, tells the story of a young white woman who aspires to be a novelist.  Being turned down by an agency due to lack of experience, she's told to start writing about something she knows.  Returning home from college, she's at a disconnect with her childhood girlfriends who've all become housewives and mothers -- and who've all hired black women as "the help."  Not liking how her old friends are treating these women, she begins writing their truths to create a scandalous, anonymous new novel from "the help's" point of view.

One of the stories told (apologies for being vague, but I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen the movie) is of revenge taken after her very racist boss fires her.  It's horrible.  It's hysterical.  And I think the boss lady deserved what she had coming.  But it also got me thinking about my own terrible bosses.  While I never took any retaliation - other than find a better job -- I wonder who has. 

So come and spill the beans.  I want to hear if you've ever taken revenge on your bad boss? 

Note: Many have criticized the book for racist undertones with a white woman "saving" black women.  The feminist in me saw the movie as an empowerment of women.  Women standing up for themselves.  Women telling their truth.  Regardless of the color of our skin, sometimes others can advocate for us when we are unable to advocate for ourselves. That's how I felt walking out of the movie. 

But those who've made note of racism have also got me thinking about the lens in which I see the world.  And how no matter much I can think that I'm open minded and liberal and standing for equality and all that jazz.... I've had a boatload of privilege handed to me just because of the color of my skin.  And that's bull.  For me and for those that had those same privileges revoked because of the color of theirs.  I've got a lot to think about and more to write about it.  For now, I urge everyone to read these posts written by @mochamomma whose eloquence and intelligence on the topic is outstanding.

Photo courtesy of Dreamworks

It's Business but It's Personal

My spouse's company just announced that they are going to start rounds of lay-offs.  With a pledge to cut a ridiculous amount of spending, there is only one way to achieve their goal.  Fire people. 

I've been through my fair share of lay-offs.  I've been fortunate enough to survive all but one (my first job out of college).  I won't say that I've been lucky because I'm convinced that surviving a lay-off has a whole lot more to do than luck.

Occassionally lay-offs have nothing to do with your skills; for instance a company going bankrupt, a contract totally lost, or your age (sorry Boomers, but ageism exists).  More often than not, whether or not you get on the chopping block has a lot to do with your own skills and performance. If you feel at risk during lay-offs, ask yourself these questions...

• Are my skills current?
• Are there others in the organization with the same skill set as me? In other words, is there redundancy?
• Am I well-liked in the organization? Am I hated?
• How was I rated in my last performance review?
• What value do I provide to the company?
• Can my job easily be outsourced?
• What relationship do I have with my boss?  With my executives?
• Am I a key player?
• Did I recently have a major failure at work?

Take your own emotions out of the mix and be brutally honest.  Ask your boss for a 1:1 Review to assess where you should focus your time and where you can continue to grow.  Ask your trusted peers what areas you can improve on.  While seniority can put newbies at risk, most corporations lay-off their highest-paid lowest-performers first.

Lastly, your VP and potentially your manager will know that you'll be getting a pink slip far before you actually find out.  One major clue is that if work transitions away from you but no additional work comes your way.  Keep your eyes and ears open.  Do not develop "Ostrich Syndrome."  Buring your head in the sand or becoming delusional about your value to the company will NEVER help you.

Remember that corporations have an enormous loop-hole with lay-offs.  They can get rid of anyone, even protected classes if they simply eliminate your position.  Take a long hard look at your working life, answer the questions honestly, and then make the changes you need to make to continue to be gainfully employed. And remember, if you're not good enough for them, then they're probably not good enough for you either.

Business Trip

I wrote this in May 2007 for the Silicon Valley Mom's Blog.  Today, I've driven to The Company's Headquarters for a full day of meetings and a full night of networking.  With an 8.5 month old baby at home, I did not jump at the chance to be here.  Instead, I sort of dreaded it.  Then I found this old post.  Oh how I long for the day when my baby is big enough to not cause major guilt when I have to leave for a business trip.

 
Last week, I jumped at the chance to travel all week – knowing full well that I would be working 16 hour days. With only a days notice, I totally left my family in the lurch.  And I didn’t feel guilty about it at all.

I only called home twice.  Once to let them know that I arrive safely and the other to confirm whether or not I would need to do pick-up from daycare when my flight landed. 

I had room service every night.

I slept for only 5 hours each night but felt more rested than when I sleep for 7.5 at home.  I woke up each morning and remembered what my life was like before marriage/kids.   It was a nice break from my reality.

I finished my work early and could have made it home a day early.  But instead I decided to be a tourist for a day and go shopping in Denver.  It was my first “day off” in a long time.  My only concern was to leave enough time to drop off the rental car.  I liked not having any obligations.

I didn’t buy my kid a souvenir from my trip.  He has enough stuff already.  And I spent all my "extra" money on my shopping trip for myself. 

When I picked D up from school, he gave me a big smile and then ran and gave me a hug.  This is usually reserved for Daddy.  For a second, I thought that maybe I should travel more so that I get a greeting that like more often.

All weekend, I dealt with a clingy toddler.  Everytime I left the room, he asked where I was going or demanded that he go with me.  I may not get bear hugs everyday like Daddy, but I could tell that mommy being gone for 4 days was tough on him.

For four days, I wasn't a mommy.  I was Robyn.  I was a highly-respected colleague.  I was contributor to a team.  Those four days were nice.  They were luxurious. 

But nothing beats the feeling of coming home. 

Photo: blojfo

Working From Home in the Summer

I wrote a little post a long while back about working from home without childcare.  All of it still rings true.  In the Summer, finding time to still work from home with children underfoot poses a whole new set of challenges.  While I do schedule our fair share of day camps, I also don't want my kid in camp every week.  I long to give him the endless Summers of my youth where most of my time was spent swimming at the pool or playing outside with the neighborhood kids.

We just completed our fourth week of summer and both of my kids are still alive.  And happy.  And sun-kissed.  So I feel like I'm doing something right at least some of the time.  Here's how we are surviving so far.

Give them chores

Seriously, people.  Any child over the age of 3 can have chores around the house.  My 7 year old has to make his bed every morning, pick up his room every night, and do a smattering of stuff whenever we ask.  Age appropriate chores: watering the plants, emptying the recycling bin, sorting the socks, feeding the fish, and reading to his little brother (I wouldn't consider reading a chore, but my son sure does).

Force them outside

If you have more than one school-age child, lock them outside.  If you have only one child (the baby doesn't count) then invite a friend over to play and then lock them outside.  Load them up with sunscreen, a bottle of water, and a hat and tell them they have to use their imagination for an hour before they can come back in.  When all else fails, hand them a popsicle. It works, honest to goodness.

Playdate Swap

Offer to watch your friend's kid for a few hours in exchange for her watching your kid for a few hours another day.  I find that as long as I don't schedule calls during the playdate that I can still get a ton of work done.  The kids, for the most part, play well together and keep each other occupied.  When it gets extremely hot, put on a slip and slide or turn on a movie.

Allow for Media (but not too much)

In our house, the TV doesn't make the best babysitter.  While my child will sit in front of the TV for hours, it doesn't burn off the required energy he needs in order to eat or sleep well.  So I limit it to one 30-minute (PBS) show per day.  If he is finished with his chores, he can also play on the Wii or PSP for an additional hour.  I don't offer TV or video games; instead I wait for him to ask.  If he's happy playing with his Lego's, why rock the boat?

Educational Apps Slow Down the Summer Slide

Whenever my son starts in on the "I'm bored" whining, I hand him my iPhone loaded with some fun and education apps.  His favorites right now are Rocket Math, Math Bingo, and Math Games.  I will let him play these as long as he wants or until I need my phone back.

Stagger Your Day

It's impossible to work from 8 to 5 and expect your kids to be perfect angels for that long.  If you can, stagger your day.  Start late one day or take off the afternoon the next.  You can always log back on after the kiddos are tucked safe in their beds for the night.  I save the more deliverable-based  or administrative work for the evening.  The upside is that your boss may think you're working harder than ever when he starts seeing emails from you at 10pm at night.

And when all else fails, email your boss at 9am and tell him you are taking an emergency vacation day.  It's that or lock the kids in the closet.

Photo: Szasz-Fabian Erika

Is Opting Out a Feminist Mistake?

After working moms getting praised and slapped last week for working... the Stay-At-Home Moms are now in the whipping seat. 

There's been a lot of talk about career women who give it all up to raise their children. Some say it's a throwback to another generation. But for those who can afford to be stay at home Moms, it's a difficult, and very personal, decision. A controversial new book, “The Feminine Mistake”, by Vanity Fair writer, Leslie Bennetts looks at the risks women take when they put their careers on hold, even for a short time. Leslie Bennetts was invited to appear on TODAY to discuss her book.

 

In a nutshell, Bennetts argues that opting-out is a high risk gamble that doesn't pay off for most women.  Benetts goes on to say that most women who quit their jobs do so intending to return to work when their children are older, but they are often unaware of how many barriers there are to opting back in.  Through her research she found that there are tremendous financial penalties for taking a time out. The more time you spend out of the work force, the harder it is to get back in, and the higher the financial price you pay.

Bennetts was on the TODAY show this morning discussing her book.  There is also an iVillage interview with a debate going on in the comments section.  On Today's website, there is a poll for Can women be moms and have careers? Interestingly, the poll results show about 70% of people saying that we can.  But what kills me is that about 10% say that women can't but men can.  I am so freaking sick of this double standard.

As a working mom myself, many of the risks that Bennetts listed (economic dependence, loss of career/title/pay, fear of divorce/widow) are all reasons that kept me working.  The feminist in me was not comfortable being economically dependent on my spouse.  Not to mention that I didn't have a large saving account or cushion to make staying at home an option.  I am also in an industry (high-tech) where the landscape can change every six months.  Taking an extended leave would have made it incredibly difficult to stay current with my skills.  Mix that with having to eat like a college student again since we would be dirt poor - and my decision to keep working was pretty easy to make.

Bennetts says that "It's vital to keep up with your field, to maintain your contacts and update your skills so they don't become obsolete. If you're going to do volunteer work, consider doing it in your professional field, because running the bake sale at your children's school is not going to help you with potential employers. And while you're home, make sure you're knowledgeable about and involved with the family finances."

While this all seems common sense; my famous quote at work is "Common sense is NOT common knowledge."  But I wonder, how many women really opt-out with expectations that their marriage won't fail, that they'll let their husband take care of the finances because he is the man after all, that after taking 7 years off to raise three kids that all they'll have to do is sent out their dusty resume and they'll get a new fabulous career in a jiffy.  Are we, women, really that dumb?  I don't think so.

All I know, is that in the whole mommy wars thing, I'm glad that the working moms aren't getting torched today. 

Orginally posted in April 2007 for the Silicon Valley Mom's Blog.

Photo:Alexandra

Working Moms Time with Kids is Increasing

 
The next time your mother points out that you should give up your career to spend more time with your kids, you can point out that you spend MORE time with your kids than she did when raising you.

A University of Maryland study shows that today's working mothers actually spend slightly more waking hours with their children than at-home mothers did a generation ago. In the study, 300 working moms kept time diaries explaining how they'd spent the previous 24 hours. The results, compared to time diaries kept by 1960s moms, showed the following:

• Today's working mothers spent an average 14.1 hours a week with their children.
• In 1965, the mothers spent 10.2 hours with the kids.

So, just how do we do it? 

The study points out that a working mom sleeps an average of six (6) hours less a week than our SAHM counterparts.  We also have less kids, spend less time on housework, and less “personal” time than our 1960s mothers.  The 1960s mom may have been physically there more, but she was busy cooking, cleaning, sewing, and ironing – all things that many of us working moms now outsource with housekeepers, meal delivery, and that darn dry cleaning bill. 

Looking back to my mother's generation, I see differences. My mother (a SAHM until I was about 10 yrs old) would "shoo" us out of the house every day.  We were not to stay inside (where she was doing housework, laundry, and cooking).  When we were school-age, we came home from school, changed our clothes, had a snack, and were thrown outside again.  She spent the majority of her time doing things for us and not doing things with us.

In today's busier, more child-centered times, mom's don't allow their kids to play outside unsupervised.  And we enroll them in a million classes and activities expose our kids to culture and athletics.  Not to mention giving up the housework and the pot-roast dinner to have active, quality time with our children. 

The big take-away here? Working moms, we are doing ok.  Throw that guilt out with your next order of Chinese take-out.

Originally published in March 2007 at the Silicon Valley Moms Blog

Photo LituFalco - Fotolia.com

Mercy me

Is anyone else drowning in their summertime shuffle?

There's swim practice in the mornings and camps in the afternoon. 

There's housesitting for your dad who is having the time of his life in Paris while you are totally stressed out that you are going to kill his precious hydrangeas.

There's meetings and back to back conference calls and countless reporting analysis that leaves barely enough time to make lunch.

Remember when the summer meant countless hours riding your bike, swimming at the pool, and eating popsicles?  How can I get back to that? Because to me, summer has become just another wrench in my schedule. 

So if I'm not here, it's not because I don't want to write.  It's just that I'm too busy getting slammed with other stuff. 

Parenting at work doesn't work

When I was pregnant with Darius, my co-workers all joked that I was going to be a perfect mother since I had many years being the mother-hen of our department.  It was true.  Sad but true.  At the time, it was like having 25 kids all calling you mommy.  I guess you could say I was the OctoMom of the corporate world. 

Except none of those adults were actually my kids.  And I was well under-paid to be dealing with their crap.  Two months after returning from maternity leave, I tried to quit.  More than once.  Each time, The Company came back with a counter-offer that was too good to pass up.  Sometimes motherhood does pay.

Fast forward all these years later and I've realized that mothering at work is my weakness.  Too often I'm the one that takes on other people's problems.  I become the person with all the answers.  While it is nice to feel needed, it is also a big burden to be the "go-to" person. 

When I joined this company three years ago, I made it my personal mission to not become the mother-hen.  I'd practice the corporate version of tough love.  I didn't want to be the go-to gal for anything other than my own projects. I've made it a point to silo my expertise rather than become the jack of all trades.  And it has worked very well for me here. 

After two very positive, highly-ranked performance reviews (the third one comes this Fall), I see the error of my ways from before.  Everyone already has a mom.  They don't need one at work either.  Stepping away from a Parent-Child relationship with colleagues means that my "children" can never grow up and become rebelious a-holes who don't want to follow my perfectly designed processes. 

There are still times when I need to remind sales reps to use their inside voice. But now that I recognize that we are all on an even playing field, I can see that my co-workers of the past were never unruly children.  I was just the overbearing mother.

Tell me, do you ever parent at work?

Will women only get work-life balance when MEN demand it?

In my almost seven years of being a working mother, I've come to one conclusion: work-life balance is like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  It's an urban legend.  Things for the story books. 

The truth of the matter is that something has got to give.  Sometimes you'll just have to beg the babysitter to stay late because you absolutely cannot under any circumstances leave work at 5pm.  Sometimes you'll have to reschedule the launch of your new project because your child is so sick that a trip to the ER is necessary.  Work-life balance really means that you'll be juggling lots of balls.  And it's been a really awesome day when some of those balls are still in the air instead of all at your feet with you wondering what the hell went wrong all while still having to answer emails and find a way to feed your picky toddler that doesn't involve pressed and formed chicken nuggets.

In other words, work-life balance is bunk. 

And now men are figuring that out too.  While women have been demanding work-life balance since we starting working, men are only jumping on the bandwagon now.  Leaving me with a sneaky suspicion that we're finally going to see traction in workplace flexibility.

 I've been truly blessed working in the high-tech world in Silicon Valley.  Ever since I've been a mother, I've had the freedom to work from home at least one day a week.  Three years ago, after an acquisition switched my manager to one in another state, I was given the opportunity to work from home full-time.  My work and my life have co-existed in our tiny 1400 square foot fixer upper where my "office" is the kitchen table.  Most days it works because I have a very flexible employer who measures my success not on the hours I plug in, but on the quality of the work that I produce.  It works because my manager doesn't freak out if he doesn't see me in our virtual chat room for hours after school because he knows I'll be on again once my children are in bed.  The work-life balance I've achieved has nothing to do with my organizational skills, my commitment to my family, or my abilities to juggle the crap outta my life.  

My work-life balance is achieved only because my company allows it.  Promotes it.  Cultivates it.  I make jokes with my manager that I'll be a lifer at this company because of the flexibility I have.

With glass ceilings that still prevent women from moving from managers to senior management, I'm curious to see if we'll begin to see a trend on workplace flexibility now that men are making an appearance on the debate.  Or will things continue to stay status-quo where women opt-out as their husbands climb up the corporate ladder?

Behind every good man is a good woman?

In April, Neville received a well deserved promotion.  It was fantastic news to see my spouse get recognized and rewarded for all of his hard work.  I was thrilled for him.  Now that he's been in his new role, I've noticed one major trend: the man can't get out of work before 6:00pm most nights.  If we're lucky, if we are really really lucky, Neville will make it home with 30 minutes to spare before Darius's bedtime.

After nearly a month of receiving emails and texts late in the day telling me not to expect him home for dinner, I asked him the other night if this is our new normal.  Should I just get used to the fact that he can't work from home, can't get home early, and can't be there for us during the week like his old role allowed?  If I need to adjust my expectations, I will.  I don't want to be continually disappointed or feeling like I'm doing this all by myself.  I can see that Neville feels guilty about missing out on what's happening at home.  He is such a hands-on father to our two boys, so I know that it's killing him not to get home to see them. 

Neville and I had a good talk about it.  I want to support him in his career growth just as he has supported me in mine.  But it's hard when we've both reached a level in our careers where promotions are akin to exponential increases in the volume of work and responsibility.  With both of us working, it's not like there is someone there to automatically pick up the slack. 

Furthermore, I'm starting to notice a trend in the working world.  When a married man with children (and sometimes a woman) reach a certain level in their career - like Director or above - they tend to have a Stay-at-Home spouse.  Is this really the secret to success?  Does one have to sacrifice her career to allow for her husband to flourish in his?  Or vise versa?  Nearly every female executive that I've worked with was 1) old enough to have grown children or no children or 2) had a Stay at Home husband that cared for the children.  I've never met a female VP in the corporate world with a spouse that worked or was on the same career path as she. 

I know that Neville would take great pride in being the sole provider for our family.  He has a provider complex like most men I know.  In all of  my life, I've never considered not working.  Working is a part of who I am.  But now I'm left wondering that if Neville continues to advance and the demands at work continue to increase, how will our family be able to manage with both parents plodding away on the corporate ladder?  Will I be forced to give up my career to support our family?  We're no where near having to make these decisions.  Still, I have a feeling unless we stay stagnant in our careers until our children are grown there will come a day soon that we'll have to decide. 

The first day back...

Last Monday, I struggled to get back into my virtual working shoes.  When I returned from maternity leave with Darius, I worked in an office.  My first day back was fun and games.  Bumping in to colleagues in the hallways, showing off pictures of my adorable son, finding the pumping room, and having lunch with my work BFF.  Then my first day back was a glorious break from my real life - that was until our Financial Manager called and broke my "work is bliss" bubble with real demands. 

This time around with Cooper, I took double the leave that I took with Darius.  And I work from home full-time with a make shift "office" in the center of our home.  This time, there was no bumping in to colleagues in the halls.  No one messaged me for pictures of my adorable second son.  There's no pumping room required since Cooper weaned himself months ago.  My work BFF now lives (and works) in San Francisco. 

Needless to say, things are different this time around.  With a part-time nanny here in the house helping me care for Cooper while I tried to get network access again for the first time in six months, things weren't quite right.  A bit off.  Strange, for sure.

I don't know if Darius struggled to be with a new caregiver when I returned to work.  While he was cared for by our friend Lisa for his first year, he never once seemed anything but happy to be dropped off in her arms every morning.  When I returned eight hours later to pick him up, he seemed happy to greet me at the end of the day. 

Cooper, on the other hand, seemed every bit pissed off that I passed him over to his new nanny, Eva.  He was a real pill on my first day back.  Poor Eva kept asking if she was doing something wrong.  Poor Cooper seemed inconsolable unless I stopped what I was doing (which was reading through 1000+ emails) to hold him. 

When Eva packed up for the day, I told her not to worry.  "He just needs to transition," I reassured her.   "It'll get better."

Eva hasn't been back since.  No, not because she quit.  And not because we fired her (we didn't, we love her and need her).  Cooper started barfing shortly after Eva left on my first day back to work. And he didn't stop ralphing until six days later. At the start of what was supposed to be my second day back to work, I sent out two texts. 

The first was to Eva, telling her to save herself by staying away. 

The second was to my boss letting him know I was taking a sick day to care for Cooper.

On my second day back.  So much for hitting the ground running.

Working Mom's Pop Quiz

You know you are ready to return from maternity leave, when you...

a.) spend over 40 hours researching and designing your eldest son's birthday party that's nearly two months away?

b.) start useless home projects like re-organizing the junk drawer?

c.) waste an entire afternoon touching up the painted walls?

d.) go to the mall to pick up a white dress shirt for your son's school play only to go to see a movie, spend an hour in soon-to-be-closing Borders, and drop an undisclosed amount of money at the Disney store?

Happy Employees Equal Successful Business

 
Whenever I read about a new study about the workplace... especially one with a "Captain Obvious" conclusion... I am reminded that common sense is clearly not common knowledge.  A new report from Hewitt Associates shows that employees engagement in a company is directly linked to the financial success (or failure) of that company.

Unfortunately, the study found that employee engagement is on the decline.  I guess we all know who to blame when a company doesn't meet it's numbers on Wall Street - it's employees.

It must have been 9 years ago when I started taking classes to eventually gain my Project Management Professional (PMP) certification, but I still remember the class well.  There were a couple dozen of us students listening to a lecture by a successful Project Manager who had now reinvented herself as an Organizational Management Consultant and Project Management Trainer.  She said plain as day:

Common sense is NOT common knowledge.

In other words, just because you think it's a no-brainer doesn't mean that most people are going to come to the same conclusion. 

Common sense tells you that happy workers equal productive workers. 

Common sense tells you that "burn out" does not really exist.  Burn out is really a combination of low employee morale, little confidence in the organization, and lack of career opportunities and/or rewards and recognition programs. 

Common sense tells you that the more engaged your employee, the more they personally invest into the company, and the better they will perform. 

Common sense tells you that higher performance equals higher productivity equals higher profits.

Common sense tells you that a company's most important assest is its human capital.

Sadly, common sense is not common knowledge.

It's a shame, really, that more executives haven't figured it out. 

Photo credit: Kelly Ley on flickr

Evolution of business travel

It's a little disappointing to go from working with a view of the Monterey Bay to working in this....

 

It's the typical beige jungle of the corporate world. 

This is my very last business trip before I step out on maternity leave next month.  The whole purpose is to discuss the recent re-organization and our new roles within it.  Which seems all very surreal since my new role in it won't really begin for another 7 months.  I've had the opportunity to hug my old boss good-bye and will be discussing the Robyn Roark transition plan with my new boss later today. 

Over the course of my 12 years in the corporate world, I've noticed how business travel has changed.  When I started out in the dot com boom in Silicon Valley, everyone travelled everywhere.  Usually on Business or First Class.  When that high-tech bubble burst, travel was reduced and the standard become Coach.  Business travellers began to chase miles by picking flights with multiple connections just to rack up those Frequent Flyer miles and get as many free upgrades as possible.  Executives often slashed the travel budgets for their teams all the while never cutting back on their own travel. 

In the two years that I've been with the Company, I've never flown on business travel.  Lucky for me, my old boss was just a 3-hour car ride away.  Far enough away that it gave me lots of freedom and autonomy.  Close enough that I could easily get my mileage and a few hotel nights approved to visit whenever I wanted.  My new boss lives in Colorado.  I have a feeling this could be the one and only time I'll ever see him face to face.

I know it will be a long time before I travel again.  Even after my maternity leave.  So I'm just going to sip on my company paid Decaf Soy Latte and plug away in the beige building with no windows.  And try not to think about the fact that in a matter of weeks, I'm going to be embarking on a role that is much harder than any issue I've dealt with at work. 

I'm going to be the mother of a newborn baby.

Wonder how many frequent flyer miles I can get from that?

Understanding Maternity Leave in California

In a little over a month, I'll be virtually waving good-bye to my coworkers as I begin my extended maternity leave.  With my boss's blessing, I've been approved for a 6-month leave.  Some of it paid, some of it not.  After attending a 2-hour seminar offered by our Human Resources department and then a couple more hours calculating what that all meant for me, I feel compelled to share what I know.  But before I do, read the disclaimers at the bottom of this post.

Now that we got that out of the way, there are four different types of leave available in California.  Some have pay, some don't.  Some have job protection, some don't.  You will literally have to piece-meal your maternity leave together to get time off with pay and with job protection.

Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA)

This is a federal act that offers up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave in a rolling 12 months.  It is unpaid.  But it offers job protection.  This is open for both mothers and fathers.

California Pregnancy Disability Leave (CA PDL)

This is PAID leave (as long as you've paid into the State Disability Insurance) in Calfornia under the state disability plan for up to 4 months.  You get paid up to 55% of your salary up up a weekly maximum benefit cap (for 2010, that's $987/week).  Generally, pregnant moms are entitled to FOUR weeks prior to your due date and SIX weeks after the baby is born (EIGHT if you deliver by c-section).  There is no job protection, but you take this paid leave in conjunction with your FMLA.  Your doctor determines when you are disabled and when you are cleared back to work.  If you are having twins, the timelines increase so double check with your HR rep or the EDD for more info.

California Family Rights Act (CFRA)

This provides an additional 12 weeks of unpaid, but job-protected leave for baby bonding.  One big caveat, my fellow pregnant Californians: this leave can overlap with FMLA.  Once your doctor has cleared you to go back to work (generally 6-8 weeks post partum), CFRA kicks in.  This means that you may not get 24 weeks of job-protection.  Depending on how much time you take off before the baby is born, when the baby is born, and the type of delivery, you may get a few weeks less of job-protected leave. 

California Paid Family Leave (CA PFL)

This paid leave gives both mother and fathers (and adoptive parents) SIX weeks of paid leave up to 55% of your salary (with a maximum cap).  Again, there is no job protection, but you can take this leave in conjunction with FMLA or CFRA. 

So what does this mean for you and your maternity leave?

Let's face it, we all just want to know how long we can be out on maternity leave and still get paid for it. In a nut shell, you can take off 4 weeks before you due date and have 6-8 weeks of after the baby is born under CA PDL. Then tack on an additional 6 weeks under CA PFL.  That's roughly 16 weeks of paid leave with job protection if you use the full benefit and assuming there are no complications in your pregnancy or delivery.

Still confused about how to calculate your maternity leave?

I'll use my own maternity plan to describe it further.  My due date is October 31, 2010.  Since I work from home, I only plan on going out on maternity leave one week prior to my due date (unless my doctor tells me otherwise between now and then).  I already have an approved return date of May 2, 2011. That's just a tad over 6 months of leave.

My last day of work will be Friday, October 22nd.  Therefore my leave begins on Saturday, October 23rd. This marks Day 1 of FMLA and CA PDL.

If Thing Two is born on time and without complications, I will be paid for 7 weeks at $987 per week (1 week before and 6 weeks after).  At that time, my doctor will clear me for work.  CFRA will then kick in (overlapping with FMLA for 5 weeks) and I will apply for an additional 6 weeks of pay at $987 per week under CA PFL.

That's 13 weeks of paid job-protected leave, if you are following along. Or roughly, $12,831 for 3 months of leave.

I still have an additional 7 weeks of unpaid but job-protected leave under CFRA for baby bonding.  After that, I plan on using my accrued vacation time for 2 weeks. While I'm on "vacation," I will apply for a 5-week unpaid Leave of Absence.  Those 5 weeks are without job protection, so I'm taking a risk. But I think the risk is small of getting laid off during those 5 weeks. 

To sum it up, that's 13-weeks of paid job-protected leave, 7-weeks of unpaid but protected leave, 2-weeks of vacation time, and a 5-week unpaid, un-protected LoA.  That's still just $12,831 for a 6-month maternity leave, plus my two weeks of vacation time.  Motherhood certainly doesn't pay.

And you thought the delivery was going to be the tough part.

I hope this helps you as you guide through your own planning for maternity leave. Congrats and good luck!

The Disclaimers

First, let me say that it absolutely, completely, utterly sucks balls that the most powerful country in the world doesn't offer a federal paid maternity leave.  With roughly the same number of men and women now in the workforce, it's really a shame that we don't offer paid leave for working parents (Obama, why don't you add that to your stimulus package?).  I'm fortunate to live in California where paid pregnancy disability and paid family leave are offered.  What I'm about to share is based on living and working in California.

Second, I work for one of the largest software companies in the world. I do not work for a small business or the government - different rules apply for companies with less than 50 employees and government employees (that includes teachers).

Third, by no means am I an expert on maternity leave in California.  I'm just passing on what I learned.  Call it tribal knowledge, but don't call it the source of truth. You're going to have to do some homework of your own.

The view from my "office"

When I first started my journey into telecommuting six years ago, I was nearly always stuck working from home.  Most places didn't offering wireless access and if they did, it was at a hefty price.  In the beginning, I had a wireless card that stuck out a good 3 inches from my laptop that gave me internet access through a cell phone carrier.  The service was so slow that Outlook would often crash or take hours to load new email.  When I virtually worked back then, I was literally tied to my home and ethernet cable.

We've come a long way, baby.

Today, this is the view from my virtual office.

I'm working from the Monterey Bay Aquarium, thanks to their free public wifi. Darius is off enjoying this local treasure with Nana and Grandpa Jim while I sit at a window in their cafe to get some work accomplished.  I'll meet up with them after I get some deliverables completed and make a few calls before the cafe is bustling with the lunch-time crowd. 

I'm sure my stepdad who worked in a traditional office environment for over 40 years thinks this whole working-from-anywhere-you-want thing is crazy.  I'm just saying a prayer of gratitude that work and pleasure can co-exist.  This?  This makes it all worth it.

The challenges of virtual teams

Yesterday, I had to ask my new manager to send me a picture of himself.  If the man is going to be determining my workload, pay raises, and promotions, then I'd like to see the face of the guy whose gonna stick it to me.

True, it's weird to be managed by a person that I haven't met in person.  Or have any plans to meet in person in the next year.  It's weird to stare at a picture and imagine body language and facial expressions while we engage in a conference call.  For all I know, the man could be picking his nose while we discuss the latest strategy for enabling the field on new service offerings.

He does work from home like me.  So maybe he was still in his pajamas.  Who knows!

I'm sad that my previous manager is no longer my manager.  But I'm also proud that I've had such a great relationship with her to make me a little sad about the organizational changes that are happening around here.  It's good to know that we've worked so well together these 20+ months.

I'm also excited about getting managed by the new guy.  He's coming on-board from our latest acquisition and has a wealth of knowledge in one side of the house that I don't have any experience in.  As we worked through a Hardware services process, I asked why the ship date of product was more important than the booked date.  In the Software world, the order date is the ship date since we don't actually ship software anymore (the customer downloads it).  As he was explaining the importance, a light bulb went off.  I interrupted him and asked "So is this like when I order a pair of shoes online and it takes 2 weeks for me to get it?  We don't "start the clock" until the customer's receives the product?"  He laughed and said that it's exactly like that.

It was the start to a great new working relationship. 

Steven Slater, We've all had a bad day at work

I can't decide what's my favorite part of the Steven Slater drama... A flight attendant getting on the loud speaker and telling a passenger (who, from what I can gather, deserved it) to Fuck Off?  Or a flight attendant being so pissed off that he grabs two beers and pulls the emergency shoot to slide down the plane while passengers are still de-boarding? 

This story is so outrageous that you'd think that it was an Urban Legend.  I mean, really?  Who does that?  If there weren't witnesses and coverage coming from reputable new sources, I would've thought that this was like that old legend of a lonely co-worker dying at his desk and no one noticing for days.  It's unbelievable.

Even if you can't relate to the extreme measures Slater took to get his point across (I guess his point was that he was mighty sick of rude passengers), anyone whose worked a day in their life knows that we've all had a bad day at work.  We've all worked with someone that seriously lost all composure at some point.  Hell, many of us have been that co-worker that seriously lost all composure. 

I remember in my early years of working in the corporate world calling a co-worker an idiot on a conference call with 20+ other people in the organization.  We were rolling out a new forecasting tool for the team to track their work in projects.  Our team was growing and we needed to know what customers were already scheduling their time so that we could see when we could take on new clients.  One engineer, Vinay, just couldn't wrap his head around the change and was being obnoxious on the call stating that he was going to just fill the forecast with bogus data.  To which I replied, "If you do that, you're a bigger idiot than I thought." Silence followed and no one spoke up after that.

Two weeks later Vinay asked our Sr Director that I no longer be responsible for owning his schedule and assigning new project to him.  I was the Resource Manager - my entire job was to make sure that the team was fully booked on customer projects to ensure profitability for our department.  When the Director said no, Vinay quit.  I figured that made the score 1 point for Robyn, 0 for Vinay.

It took me much longer to realize that we both lost.  I developed a reputation for being "too tough" and "resistant to differing opinions" that day.  I spent YEARS trying to change that perception within the company.  After being passed up on a promotion that I knew I was ready for, I knew that the only way to change my reputation was to change companies.  Had I taken the time to understand Vinay's viewpoint or asked to meet with him personally after the call to walk through his questions or even called him on his ludicrous comment without resorting to name-calling... who knows how different the outcome would be.  Maybe Vinay still would have quit.  Maybe I would have found a new way to shoot myself in the foot. Or maybe we would have found common ground and I would have gotten that promotion after all.

I learned that I couldn't always trust my first response.  While I was right (he was an idiot for saying what he did), I could have taken a deep breath, laughed at his response, and said something witty to diffuse the situation.  It was a lesson for me that Killing with Kindness really has a much higher pay-off than Killing with Satire.  Or cursing. Or calling a person an idiot in front of their peers.  Or telling a passenger what you really think of them.

In a few days or weeks when everyone has moved on to the latest news story and Steven Slater finds out if he still has a job after his shenanigans, maybe he will also have reflected on his behavior that day and decide if his actions were worth it.  No matter how much fun it must have been to steal 2 brewskies and slide down that shoot, my money's on Slater eating crow and regretting his actions. 

Disconnected

On Day Two of my vacation, my BlackBerry bit the dust.  I was in the middle of checking my work email to make sure that everything was okay (and proving that I micromanage more than I think I do) when my screen went white and the tiniest print came across the screen. "You are experiencing technical difficulties.  Please return your phone to the store where you purchased it."

I went through my own version of IT triage, derived from all my years of working in Corporate America. I removed the battery, waited a minute, said a prayer, and rebooted.  Only to get the same white screen of death.  The phone was officially cooked.  I nearly hyperventilated.

And then I tried to relax.  Without a phone.  Or 24/7 access to email.  Or text messaging. 

Sure we still had a the laptop (two of them in fact).  And I still could make calls on my dad's phone.  But it was hard to let it go.  It took days for me to feel comfortable being unplugged from my BlackBerry. 

Motherhood isn't enough

Last week I went to see Sex and the City 2 with my friend Lia.  I didn't go because I'm a huge fan (loved the show, but was absolutely fine with it ending and never needed a first or second movie).  I went because Lia asked.  And I love Lia and have a hard time saying no to her because hanging out with her is always comedy. About three quarters of the way through the movie, there was a scene that made paying for the movie totally worth it.

Charlotte is afraid to admit about how horrible motherhood can be.  Wiping butts, screaming kids, not finding fulfillment in the day-to-day.  Miranda has to coax it out of her so that Charlotte can let it go.  Miranda goes first by saying (in a nutshell, it wasn't like I was taking notes):

"As much as I love my child.  He isn't enough.  I need to work."

I think the beauty of this is the admission that motherhood isn't enough.  I love Darius more than I love anyone else on this planet.  More than I love myself.  Or ice cream. Or cold watermelon on a hot day.  I'd give up just about anything for him.

But he isn't enough.  He cannot sustain me.  He cannot bring total and complete fulfillment to my life.  Even if he could, it really wouldn't be fair to put that kind of responsibility on a child. 

That I am a working mom has nothing to do with this.  I'm not advocating that every mother work.  In fact, I don't care if you work or not as long as it "works" for your family.  This is so much bigger than working versus staying home. 

For most of us, motherhood isn't enough.  That's why we have hobbies or volunteer or drink too much.  That's why we set up play-dates for infants - not because our 4 month old needs a friend but we do.  That's why we plan date nights or romantic weekend away with our spouse.  That's why we blog - to make connections with other women who are coming to the same realization. Or shop to much.  Or eat too much.  Or cry in the shower too much.

I'm too busy to blog

I always thought that The Company was so smart to have a fiscal year end right before Summer.  Gives everyone a breather during the sunny days of June and July. 

Until I became a mother of a school-age child.  Life over here is busy.

There's the scrapbook pages that are still due for the teacher's Thank You gift.

An end of the year field trip.

Kindergarten graduation.

And swim season is back in full swing with practice every afternoon and competitions every Saturday.

All the while, I'm trying not to hyperventilate that my baby is turning SIX YEARS OLD in a week.

Plus quarter-end support at work, major meetings and deliverables, the on-boarding of thousands of new employees in our latest acquisition, a re-org in our department, and fiscal year planning.

Oh, and I'm still barfing.

If you don't hear from me, it's not that I've gone missing. 

I'm just buried under a big pile of crap that I call my life.

Work-life balance right now only means that I'm screaming at the right people, at the right time, and not getting their names confused.

Help!

When life give you lemons, what do you make out of it?

Darius' class had their Spring Performance of "Neverland" at school on Friday.  It was 30 minutes of pure joy for the parents.  I was amazed at how 26 five year olds all remembered their lines to the classic Peter Pan tale and sang eight songs all with hand motions.  And my heart filled with overwhelming pride when Captain Hook took the stage to say his adorable very mean lines.

But it wasn't an easy road to this final performance.  When Darius was cast as Captain Hook, he didn't want the role.  After all, Captain Hook is the bad guy.  It doesn't help that my child has a serious hero complex.  He thought that by not participating... by being resistant, uncooperative, and downright difficult... that he'd stand a chance to be re-cast in the role he really wanted.  The role of Peter Pan.  Because we all know that the world rewards bad behavior, right?

It literally took WEEKS of talking to Darius about how he's not a bad guy. It's just pretend.  That Darius is really a good guy but isn't it fun to pretend to be something bad, something evil every once in a while.  It wasn't until his teachers threatened to take the role away (and not replace it with the role of Peter Pan) that Darius got into the part.

So into the role, in fact, that he won the class prize of "Best Actor" for his performance as Captain Hook.  The costume helped a bit, if I do say so myself.

Darius' incident with change resistance reminded of what I'm encountering at work these days. 

I'm officially banning Monday Mornings

While California voters are getting ready to vote on legalizing marijuana in the June ballot, I think that we have a much bigger issue affecting our state.

Monday Mornings

In my ban on Monday Mornings Initiative,

• Schools would start an hour later
• Bosses would be fined for scheduling meetings at 7am
• Gas stations would have to offer Full Service for free
• The coffee carafes at work would never be empty before 10am
• Husbands wouldn't be able to get away with pretending to still be asleep instead of helping get the kids ready for school
• Rubberneckers and idiots who can't merge would jailed for their bad behavior and their pictures posted in the 6 o'clock news

Who's with me?  Monday Morning are a working mother's enemy.  Hell, Monday Mornings have NO FRIENDS.  Everyone hates Monday Mornings.

What else should be included in the ban? 

It's always the mother's fault

According to the latest research out of Britain, working mothers are raising society's next generation of losers, cheaters, and addicts.  A really old white dude has decreed that employing a nanny for your son “creates a division in his mind between the woman he knows to be his natural mother and the woman with whom he has real hands-on relationship." The result is that “he grows up with the idea that although he will one day go through all the social and sexual formalities of marriage, he will have at the back of his mind the notion of this other woman, who not only knows, but caters for, all his needs.”

What a lovely article to read before my 10am conference call. After six years of being a working mother, you'd think I'd be used to being society's punching bag.  At least for this latest accusation, I can laugh it off as some senile old man, stuck in his old ways, who thinks that women should still be in the kitchen, preferably barefoot, pregnant, and making a homemade dessert from scratch while the roast cooks in the oven.

Spring Break, I've got you under control

It's officially Spring Break. 

Darius is over the moon that he gets an entire week off from the disciplined, rigorous routine of his school.

While D's school does start a full two weeks later than our local public school, they don't take off nearly as many days during the school year.  There are no Inservice Days.  School holidays are at a minimum.  Darius will never understand the appeal of a "Ski Week" in February.

For working parents it is a dream come true.  When we thought we were sending him to the public school, I practically had panic attacks over the number of days that he would be out of school AND I would still have to work.  Darius is in school for just as many days as the public school, but his school is much smarter about how those days are spent.  And next year, as the public school district cuts the school year by at least 5 days to deal with California's serious budget crisis, Darius will have more days in school that his school-age neighbors.

With barely over two weeks of vacation a year, I can't afford to take off every day he has off.  Winter Break alone would take nearly all.  At an avergae of $300 a week for Camps over Winter, Spring, or Summer Breaks, we can't afford to have him in a camp 100% of the time either.  I may be a working gal, but  I'm not that kind of working girl.

Quotes from the First Lady of California

"Having been a workaholic all my life, I advocate for more moments of joy in your life.  Because when you look back, that’s what you’ll remember."

"Moms are 24x7 in the front lines of humanity.  Are you man enough to try it?"

"Having any time yourself – I didn’t know it was possible.  I was raised where any time to do something for yourself was selfish.  It’s ok to give yourself permission to do it. "

"I grew up thinking that if I didn’t run for office, I’d be a disappointment. I grew up with a lot of 'shoulds.' I’ve worked quite hard to let that go. "

[On being a working mother] "Looking back I was way too stressed about finding a balance.  Those were jobs I loved.  Hated to give them up.  But I did.  With each child, my job decreased. I shouldn’t have tried to shove it all together.  I didn’t have the courage to say that I wasn’t going to work at all."

"I have one wild and precious life.  To put my wild and precious life at the end of the line is no longer acceptable." 

Original Silicon Valley Mom's post.

It's a man's world

Many generation Y'ers and whatever hip name we're giving people under 20 these days don't think we need feminism.  I mean, really, what did it ever do for women?  Besides give us some equal rights, a better chance at equal pay, and the ability to be more than a housewife if we "choose" it be more than that. 

But today, feminism is archaic. Right?  Wrong. 

Just today a lovely male co-worker told me that he wished he could be a woman in the corporate world "because you don't have to worry about a career and can just focus on a steady job that pays. The husband always has to think about his career."

Asshat.

If I just wanted a job that "pays" why would I continue to work here?  Why would women be going to college at record highs?  Why are there more of us in management positions?  Why do we continue to juggle work, life, and family?

Futhermore, not every working woman is a working wife.  And for those of us in marital partnership, well, many of us are making more money than our husbands.  Many working women are THE breadwinners.  And not only do we bring home the bacon, we fry it up in the pan, serve it to our children, wash the plate, bathe the kids, put them to bed, and do it all again the next day with little or no help. 

Nothing frustrates me more than realizing that I still work in a "man's world."  And no matter how much I give, there will always be idiots like this guy that think since I am a woman, I am somehow less than. 

And lucky me, I get to work with them.

Admitting that I can't do it all

I've been a working mom for nearly four years.  Four years of diaper changes, bath times, daycare drop off and pickups, constantly changing schedules, laundry that never seems to end, and lives that never seemed settled.  Four years of balancing work, flexing time, demanding change in the workforce, working from home, working from the office, working from the playground.

It's hard to be a mom.  It's hard to juggle.  And it's hard to admit when you put family over work or work over family.  It's even harder to admit that you no longer put yourself in the equation.  I've tried to do it all.  The cooking, the cleaning, the nurturing, the laundry all while working over 40 hours a week. 

But not any more.  Today, I am waving my white flag.  Call it defeat if you will; but, I'm calling it victory.

Today, I hired a housekeeper.  In all honesty, it doesn't save me that much time since the house cleaning is almost always last on the never ending list of things to do.  But I want clean showers and clean floors and mirrors that don't have weeks of finger prints and water marks.  And, by golly gee, I don't want to clean it!  Starting next week, I won't have to.  Every week on Tuesdays, I will come home to a fresh, clean house. 

I'm admitting today that I don't have to do it all.  Especially when all means mopping the floors and changing the sheets. I'm admitting that I don't even want to do it all.  All is overrated.  All is not rewarding.  All is exhausting.

Defeat never tasted so sweet.  Or smelled so clean. 

On promoting breastfeeding

There's been controversy swarming over the new government program in NYC that is promoting breastfeeding by eliminating the formula swag bag you get in the hospital. I'm not even going to discuss the marketing ploy by the formula companies that so many people seem to be rallying behind as the reason.  Let's focus on actually promoting breastfeeding.  'Cause really - we all know when we are getting free stuff in hopes for brand loyalty down the road.  We all get that.

So let's talk about how we can really promote breastfeeding.  If the breast is truly best, then...

Why don't we have a PAID maternity leave in the good ole USofA?  I think that would be a great place to start.  Covering my job for 12 weeks of unpaid leave under FMLA - with easy loop holes for your employer to still can you - doesn't cut the mustard.  In California, mothers are covered for up to 4 week prior and up to 8 week post child birth under state disability.  But not all mothers qualify.  In 2004, California also launched the Paid Family Leave Act which gives another 6 weeks of disability for mothers (and fathers) but does not provide any job protection.  I have yet to meet a dad that participated because of it.

Why are lactation consultants not covered in insurance?  I never saw a lactation consultant.  The $70/hr fee was too much for me.  Thankfully, my mom (a public health nurse) stepped in and helped me every step of the way.  But if you want to promote breastfeeding, then you need to promote supporting mothers while they figure it out.  And having us shell out that kinda dough, well, that's pretty dumb.

Where is the support for working mothers?  In California, employers have to provide lactation rooms to their working mothers.  Most states don't have this policy.  But providing the room is really a joke if you work at a company that doesn't support families.  Breastfeeding and working are not an easy combination.  I was a perfect BF'ing mother until I returned to work.  And my expensive $300 pump didn't make things easier.  I had no support from my employer to breastfeed.  Four months after returning to work, I did not have a large enough milk supply to exclusively breastfeed and my child was not solely on solid foods.  The only choice was to supplent with formula. 

Where's the breastfeeding swag?  If you aren't gonna cover formula supplies, at least arm every woman with a nipple shield, ice packs, and some nursing pads.  Come on, breastfeeding supplies aren't cheap.  Oh, and it you throw in that $300 Pump In Style, I'm sure more moms would be really to give it a try.  Seriously folks.  If you think that giving formula is gonna sway women to supplement with it, why aren't we giving away stuff that makes breastfeeding easier?  Or at least more fun.

Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

After the entertaining BlogHer session with Amy Sedaris, I picked up a fabulous magic wand designed by Amy. 

It was only 3 bucks and Amy signed it.  Totally worth it.

Today, I brought it with me to work after smuggling it from home so that my very curious toddler wouldn't see it and break it within 30 seconds of touching it.  I swiped it over my computer and said a little spell. 

"Please oh please let me get outta here on time today.  I've got to pick up my kid by 5:45 or else I will have to deal with spawn of the devil (aka the preschool director and her $15 per minute fine for being late)."

I also plan on using it to cast spells on the Stoopid People Who Ask Stoopid Questions. 

And I'll bring it back home later.  Amy swears that if you wave it over your oven, a turkey will magically appear.  Honey, I don't need a turkey.  I'll settle for a cheese quesadilla and a beer. 

My BlogHer hangover

Ok, so apparently I am not the only one suffering from a BlogHer hangover.  By the time I got home on Sunday afternoon, I felt like I did the entire summer of my 21st birthday where I partied too much and didn't sleep enough.  Although this time, I stuck to two or three drinks per night and slept for at least 7 hours.  Is this was "getting old" means?

Coming home to a very cranky toddler and the fact that I was never able to connect my work VPN to the BlogHer wireless network meant that I had a lot to juggle.   I'm not sure who missed me more: my team at work or Darius (aka Mr. McCranky).  I wanted to cuddle with my cranky boy but I also felt compelled to jump into the corporate email which would inevitably have hundreds of email by now.

Yesterday, I got up at 5am and turned on my laptop.  To my surprise, I had less than a hundred emails.  There is a God.  Nothing urgent and most things already completed by my fabulous team. 

So I did what any working mother would do.  I sent my kiddo to daycare and took a sick day. 

Maybe a hangover isn't so bad afterall. 

A no-vacation vacation?

I’m about to hit the cap at work for my vacation time.  200 hours of vacation time.  That’s 5 lovely weeks of paid time off.  Time that could be spent at the beach, or traveling in Europe, or going to Cancun.  But while I get the time off paid for, the money that is costs to actually have a vacation isn’t paid by the company.  We simply cannot afford a family vacation this year.  We can’t afford one every year.  Or every season like some SV’ers.  There is no cabin in Tahoe for winter skiing or trips to Cape Cod in the summer.  Last year, we drove to Phoenix to visit my brother.  This year, we are staying home.

My dilemma is that while we can’t afford a vacation, I don’t want to hit the cap at work.  Once I hit the cap, I stop accruing vacation hours.  Basically, I lose the benefit.  So for 2 weeks in September, I will be taking vacation.  A no-vacation vacation.   

I figured I’d take 2 weeks off to hang out with the family, cook some good meals, and play competitive games of Gin Rummy.  The farthest we’ll probably venture will be the cabana club at the pool.  It’s no Cancun, but the company I’ll keep will be sweet. 

Now if only I could swing a housekeeper everyday.

Wimbledom, Venus Williams, and Equal Pay

When Venus Williams won women's singles at Wimbledom this year, she made history.  Not only was she the lowest-rank female to ever win the title, she also received the same purse as the male winner.  Wimbledom finally gave into pressure and announced in February to pay women the same as men.  And it makes me wonder how many other professional jobs haven't made this jump.  This radical jump that feminists fought for in the women's movement over 30 years ago. 

Women earned 59% of the wages men earned in 1963; in 2005 we earned 81% of men's wages—an improvement of about half a penny per dollar earned every year. Why is there still such a disparity?  Women have made enormous progress in the workforce since the Equal Pay Act, but the stubborn fact remains that four-and-a-half decades later the basic goal of the act has not been realized.

Working in high-tech in Silicon Valley, I'm sure that I am paid well.  I am also sure that I am paid less than my male counterparts, have less of a chance of breaking through the glass ceiling and into the Executive ladder, and therefore have less life-long earning potential.  It's a sad reality for 2007. 

By the end of my life-time, my male counterparts will have earned nearly two million dollars more than I will have.  TWO MILLION DOLLARS.  I've signed the MomRising petition for "Equal Pay for Equal Work." I want to see this change in my lifetime.  This isn't a legacy that we should be proud to pass to our daughters.

Working Mom's Tip #2: Block it out

When working from home, it can often be difficult to balance your time spent working and time spent with the kids.  There were times when poor Darius spent more time playing with himself and watching Thomas the Train videos than he did with his momma.  I'd be frustrated.  He'd feel neglected.  And we would be at each other's throats before lunch.

As we battled it out one day, I thought to myself, "This whole working from home thing is not worth it."  I was ready to throw in the towel and put him into daycare on our once-special day.  And I was so sad.  So guilty. 

And I made a decision to change it.  If I was going to work from home, dammit, it was going to be balanced.  No more back to back calls.  No more checking email every other minute to see if someone responded.  No more picking up the cell every time it rings.  I was claiming my working-from-home day to be balanced day with my son.  And I derived a plan that I have stuck to for nearly a year.

I schedule time with my son on my work calendar.  I block it out.  And if someone tries to schedule a meeting at that time, I decline and tell them I am in another meeting.  It's that simple. 

While Darius naps, I work so intensely that I can get over a half-days worth of work crammed into 2 hours.  Sometimes I can manage to steal a 20-30 minute siesta myself when Darius sleeps a little longer.  When he wakes, I put the laptop away until for another hour so that we can take a walk, play outside, or put a puzzle together. 

I found that the more 1:1 time that I provided with Darius, the more time he was willing to play without me.  Darius and I had balance too.  He didn't need me every waking moment.  He knew that there was times when Momma worked.  Times when Momma needed quiet to take a phone call. And times that Momma would be his and his alone.

Cell Phone Drama

My work cell phone died on Sunday.  I know, poor me.  My cell phone is paid for by my company.  In all honesty, I make more personal calls on it than work ones.  But they require me to carry the little bastard of a phone around.  And so I require them to pay for it.  It's a corporate phone.  If I ever leave, they get to keep the phone.  Right now, that is reason enough to blow this joint and find another job.

Now before you get all jealous of having one less bill to pay.  Let me tell you, it's a pain in the arse.  The screen on my phone has died and the phone only holds a charge for about a half a day before it starts beeping "LOW BATTERY."  I wouldn't actually know if it is the low battery or a bomb ticking off since I don't have a screen to look at - only a black dark phone that is a reminder of how much it sucks to have a work cell phone. 

No screen also means not being able to see my address book.   I stopped memorizing phone numbers in 1999 when I received my first cell phone.  I actually had to email Neville today to have him send me his cell phone number.  I don't even know my own spouse's phone number.  It's that bad.

So I opened a "ticket" with our not-so-competent IT department telling them this phone bit the bullet and I need a new one.  On Monday.  It is now Wednesday and I still haven't heard from them.  Since this isn't the first time that a cheap, crappola of a phone has broken on me, I already am acutely aware of how painful a process is to get a new one. 

First, IT Cell-Phone Master will come and try to "diagnose" the problem.  I can tell you now that the problem is that this sheet-tay phone is over two years old and that I'm tough on company equipment and it's BROKEN so just ORDER ME A NEW ONE already.  As you can see, I'm also a very easy customer.

Then the CP Master will tell me that the phone is in fact broken and give me two cell phone options to choose from so that he can order the new phone.  These two options will be worse than the cheapest option you get when you get the free phone with your service.  There will be no camera phone, no Razor, no Chocolate, no fancy szchmancy anything.  It will be the most basic of basic cell phones. 

Once I pick between "bad" or "worse," it will take the customer-oriented CP Master over a week to get me the new phone.  Then we'll play email tag to arrange a time in which he is at his desk so that I can walk two buildings over in high heels to pick up the new phone.   

I'll then have to take my old broken phone and my new to-be-broken phone to the Cingular store where I will beg for the technician to transfer my numbers from one phone to the other.  If I'm lucky, I'll get the right Technician on the first visit.  If I'm unlucky, I'll be emailing all of my friends and family to send me their numbers again.  And then I'll be manually entering in over 100 phone numbers in my free time.   

Now, if this wasn't a corporate phone on a corporate plan, then I could have gone down to the Cingular store on Sunday, picked out a new phone on the spot, and had the technician transfer the numbers.  I'd be talking on my new cell phone right now. 

But instead I'm listening to the ticking of the low battery, having to email my spouse instead of call him, and wait for the IT department to get off their asses and get me a new phone. 

Bet that cell phone bill doesn't look so bad now, does it?

Working Mom's Tip #1

I work from home every Friday with my little muchkin in tow.  I've been doing it since I returned from maternity leave (when Darius was a mere 12 weeks old).  With it, I've got a few tricks up my sleeve to work from home with a kiddo.  And so here I begin, my weekly working mom's tips to actually getting work done.

Working Mom's Tip #1: The Spray Bottle

Go to your nearest Dollar Tree or similar dollar store and buy a spray bottle.  You know, the empty ones that you would use to dilute Pine Sol with water.  It's only a buck and it is totally worth it.  And if you have a kid like me, he's going to break or take apart everything, so when the bottle is destroyed you won't feel bad since it only cost a buck. 

Fill the bottle with water (I fill about half way since it will be "too heavy" otherwise).  Send your child(ren) outside with the bottle and a spare rag.  And have him "wash your windows."  I can get 20-30 minutes of uninterrupted work complete.  I either sit outside with him under the umbrella while I work.  Or I sit inside on the other side of the sliding glass door where we play peek-a-boo every few minutes.   Gives me enough time to take a call or get caught up on my work email (where I average over 200 a day).

Because I can always juggle one more ball, right?

I received an email today from the President of the Board at D's preschool.  I still think its a little weird that we have a Board for a preschool.  But I also think it's weird that parents give their kids sushi.  And both of these seem common practice in Silicon Valley. 

The Board still has one opening for Marketing and Communication Board Member.  It's a part of my background and she wanted to know if she could sway me into accepting.  She plays down the responsibilties and upsells the only one board meeting a month.*

I'm so rarely at D's school, I don't know the families that well, and D's best friend, Jack, well his dad is on the board too.  So I accept.  I send back an email saying "I'm in.  Send me the details and the next meeting date/time."

And then I scroll down to see the description.

BOARD MARKETING AND COMMUNICATIONS COORDINATOR

1.      Attend board meetings, parent meetings, contribute to overall operations of preschool.

2.      Conduct annual maintenance review of preschool website and coordinate updates and revisions as necessary.

3.      Attend public information sessions with Director to assist with marketing of preschool.

4.      Coordinate new parent 'buddy' system to assist with orientation of new preschool families.

5.      Assist with general communication to the preschool community.

Doesn't sound so bad, right?  I'm sure I spin one more plate, juggle one more ball.  I'm sick like that.  Truly, I think it is an illness.  I'm creating my own choatic life only to then bitch about how chaotic a life that I live.  Totally sickness, people.

First meeting is next month.  Wish me luck.

*Yes, there is only on board meeting a month, but another set of hours that is undetermined per month based on the activities and action items of the meetings.

Cross-posted at the Silicon Valley Mom's Blog

All in a Day's Work

5:30am the alarm on my cell phone goes off.  For the past two months, I've been using the cell phone alarm to wake up because it is less disturbing than the alarm clock.  I hit the snooze once and eight minutes later, I'm up.  Eyes half open, morning breath, sometimes wearing the same shirt that I wore to work the day before.

5:30am.  Waking up this early is hard.  I hate waking up this early.  Complete and total hatred for all things at 5:30am.  But when your other option is to sit in a hour of bumper-to-bumper Silicon Valley traffic, you'd probably pick getting up at 5:30am too.  It is the lesser of two evils.  Sort of how I feel at every Presidential election.

Getting into the office before 7am has its own pros and cons too.  I can get the freshest batch of coffee and get any work done before the rest of team meanders in around 8:30am.  It is a blissful 90+ minutes.  Similar feeling to when D is down for a nap.  I can get a whole day's work complete in 90 minutes of uninterrupted silence.  Just as with a crying baby, once the team arrives my day can quickly go downhill in terms of productivity.  I lose focus, lose time, lose patience.  And by the end of the work day, all I can think about is getting home.  Putting my feet up.  Relaxing.  I always seem to forget that home is rarely relaxing and it will be well past 9pm before I am able to put my feet up (and that will only be to better balance my laptop while working on the couch).

Dealing with rush hour on the way home, almost always puts me in a foul mood.  Then trying to get dinner on the table before 7pm is a challenge.  A challenge that most days I enjoy, but other days just feels like salt in an open wound.  Then add to the mix a picky toddler that would sustain on milk and strawberries if given the choice.  By 8pm I am deflated.  Exhausted.  At wits end.

I do not have the option of not working.  And no, we do not drive fancy cars or own a house too large for our family.  I do not wear designer clothes or go out to eat on a regular basis.  We are a middle class family that feels like we are working class.

It's a rat race in my professional world.  And it's a rat race in my personal world as well.  I am so focused on NOT failing that I think I am failing.  I certainly am not the best employee and I am most definitely not the best mother.  I not the best at anything.